A BEAUTIFUL REVOLUTION

This is Goodbye.

2007-11-11T22:39:00.000+08:00

Blogger blocked my access to its site on my com.... so.

http://appleslice.wordpress.com

And its goodbye here. for now.

this is waaaay overdue.

2007-10-19T10:11:00.000+08:00

No. I didnt get robbed in Spain by mafias and forced into male prostitution thereby making national service an obselete in my future as I would have gladly hoped happened. too many things has been going on and i just didnt had the mood to update.

Spain was spectacular in every single way. The food, the culture and the people(and then some!). Spectacular actually would have been an understatement itself. Imagine disneyland, multiplied by a thousand. And that might just give u an idea.

sagrada familia church, Barcelona.

yours truely and the toledo cathedral.

Churches. they don't come the way they do as they are in Singapore. forget tinted glass and white washed walls. These towering blocks of utter magnificience that dot the many cities of Spain are so over the top in their victorian and gothic designs it is a total art piece itself. And im really not kidding.

Cathedral,Valencia.

and then girls. this ring just totally redefined the term jewellery. can u say 6 million euros?

And that is what i call a crown.

Tagus River, Toledo.

Food. The spainards love their pasta. Italians obviously made their impression with the plentitude of Pasta and Pizzas and what have you. And there I was thinking Paella was the national dish. Its really incredible. Cafes tucked away in dodgy street corners sell the most amazing Porcellini and Tagliateles. Never mind I was approached by a spaced out druggie, a hooker twice ( whom i realli suspect is a trans in a blonde wig) and the neighbourhood are filled with tatoo-ed bald spanish men who drink alot. I have to say though. The hookers are really pretty. In a PVC bustier and fishnets kind of way. Fagtabulous.

The Mom and me.

Yiling & the Sis

Thats a Pizza by the way. Who said pizza had to be round?
Blurred shot of Tortellini.

One thing I learnt about travelling in a really big country like Spain? You spend alot of your waking hours trapped in a tour bus. And when I say alot I'm talking easily 12 hours of butt aching, card playing claustrophobia . Thereby a tour package that claims " 10days Romance of Spain" is really a rip-off. 10 days my arse. 5 more likely.

Anyhow, you can only lose so much money in the bus playing dai di and listening to your ipod. The scenenary in Spain is breathe taking. Which might just be why we have ppl like picasso and da vinci famous in the art world. You don't hear no asian names because frankly, you just can't beat a country that presents u the opportunity of an oil painting with every head turn. And here are the reasons why.

look! NEW SHOES.

And thats a little arty farty shot against all these nice trees nice flowers pics.

windmills! this was taken in said claustrophobic bus on the highway to Valencia.

Me! looking gorgeous. And a backdrop of some ancient town in Sergovia.

say urban.

arty farty no.2

more later^^

adios! or whatever it is in spanish anyway.

2007-09-21T23:07:00.000+08:00

tata its off to spain for 10 days. the land of blonde things and zara and celine at outrageously low prices.

I noe I noe.

it sucks to be you.

tata ^^

waseda shibuya seiransai 2007

2007-09-16T21:56:00.001+08:00

because a pic says a thousand words and i got loads of them.Blur shite! but its the bestie and me ^^

jap student gone wrong.

jp babes pt 1

jap babe pt 2

jap babes pt 3. She is so pretty. ^-^

hana yori dango!~ and domiyoji's sister. <3 align="center">

She's a girl by the way. but hotness. and she acts more manly then dudes i know.

Scary shite gurl from haunted house.

This picture. DOES NOT DO HIM JUSTICE AT ALL. because he is 10 times hotter. but why am i tellin u this anway.

i look fucking idiotic. but nvm. he's cute tho.
I was pro at this. The bestie wasnt. *smug*

But we love each other anyway.

dance pt 2

2007-09-13T00:41:00.000+08:00

and its on days like these when the fear of being mediocre hits me like a truck.

Jazz today was beautiful though.

a loooooooooong way to go.

2007-09-10T22:56:00.000+08:00

i admit to being melodramatic most of the time so this temporary sense of sensibility might mean maturity has finally set in. which apparently is ridiculous there is no such thing as being too matured but then again, tts another post for another day.

Im 18. so tt logically means im young. even though it feels as if a lifetime has passed. someone once told me that a person lives through several lifetimes in his life, and each one is as exciting and as fufilling as the next. I get him now. even tho i swore i labelled him as pretencious starbucks coffee hook-upper no. 679 then.

there are so many things i want to accomplish in my life. even tho i honestly dun think i wld live to see another january which is all part of the morbidity that makes me ,well, me. And im so glad im not a gorgeous but useless cineleisure squatter because i actualli have aims in my life. because apparently, not everyone does. I suppose we are elitist after all.

The same way too much clothes is never a bad thing, dreams are never stupid. Be a stripper or a lounge singer or a dancer or even a horse shagger if ur so inclined that way. Rules set by society tt puts up all these boundaries of restrictions are the ones that get our dreams down. and we sld never ever let that happen.

we only live once hon. its not as if we could do this all over again.

insert smiley here

2007-09-09T14:41:00.000+08:00

And then sometimes-just sometimes, you don't need good sex and shopping to feel like you just injested a shiteload of high grade cocaine.

Bryan : " relax! you are actually okay de!!"

.BEAMS.

Warning: Toxic content ahead.

2007-09-07T13:26:00.000+08:00

Today is milestone day.

because my lifelong theory that forbidden love is probably the suckiest thing in the world has been overwrote by being treated like a freak and laughing stock.

And to think i thought things couldnt get any bloody worse. I know nobody likes self pity but seriously? At this very moment that I'm typing this out I wish everybody would just die and leave me alone.

Which I would probably regret 3 hours later but what the hell. Who am i to rise above the average suicidal hormonally charged teenager?

*sigh*

because a long breasted woman tagged.

2007-09-02T22:46:00.000+08:00

1. (the person who tagged you is) – Nana. A.K.A the long breasted woman.

2. (your relationship with him/her is) – bordering in the grey area between friends and luurvers *illicit smacks*

3. (5 impressions you have of him/her) – Honestly? Like honestly? Erm. Plump. AHAHAHAHA and long breasted and eccentric and loyal and the one person I can totally trust if I am ever forced to wear a leaf and join survivor*hugs*

4. (the most memorable thing he/she has done for you) – Confronting me despite everything that could have happened on CNN day in Year 1. And of course. THAT bracelet she made me for my birthday. I LUURVES EUU!!~ <3

5. (the most memorable words he/she has said to you) – erm, that we have the same trains of thought? LOL.

6. (if he/she becomes your lover, you will) – OH HONEY!~ make her my long breasted sex partner/slave and feed me chocolate coated strawberries from D & D and tear my undies off. HAAHHAHAHA just kidding. ^^

7. (if he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be) – wearing a bra. It still shows beneath the tudung hon. *pats pats*

8. (if he/she becomes your enemy, you will) – become extremely depressed and suicidal and try to work things out as best as I can.

9. (if he/she becomes your enemy, the reason will be) - Betrayal of trust, I guess.

10. (the most desirable thing you want to do for him/her now is) - Make her realize that having 2 extra brilliant sisters does not make her any less capable then them. You are lovely just the way you are *hugs*

11. (your overall impression of him/her is) – The most trustworthy minah tudung sister you would ever know.

12. (how you think people around you will feel about you) – hmm. People who don’t know me would think im extremely unfriendly and Gay. People who know me would think im Friendly, Hilarious and Gay. Ahh well.

13. (the characteristic you love about yourself is) – the ability to be myself? ahahahaa

14. (the characteristic you hate about yourself is) – My shallowness. See reason below.

15. (the most ideal person you want to be is) – Jonathan Rhys Myers.

16. (for people that care and like you, say something to them) – Well. You noe I deserve it. *smug* AHAHAHA. You guys noe I love you too^^

17. (pass this quiz to 10 people that you wish to know how they feel about you)

1. NANA!!!!!
2. Tracy Tham S*** H** <3
3. SHEN LINGXIE!
4. Hazel!!~
5. KONG QIAN RU
6. LAURA “HERNIA” KHENG.
7. JIES!!!! * cio-er ah lian one*
8. Effie Hoh, even tho she stopped blogging anymore.
9. Nathan “ ur balls are puny” Leong.
10. Kenneth. Ahahahaha because it would be interesting.

(who is no.6 having a relationship with?) – Her imaginary boyfren.

(Is no.9 a male or female?) – both.

(If no.7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?) – ahahaha. Well. Probably.

(What is no.2 studying?) – CMM! And how to get slimmer in 21 ways.

(When was the last time you had a chat with no.3?) – 5 mins ago. Talking about the length of our butt hair

(What kind of music does no.8 like?) – acid retro. Aka. Music from stone ages.

(Does no.1 has any siblings?) - YEZ. 2 impending nobel prize winner sisters.

(Will you woo no.3?) – no. it would be like hitting on my mother.

(How about no.7?) – ditto.

(Is no.4 single?) – Hell no.ahahaha

(What is the surname of no.5?) – KONG!!~

(What is the hobby of no.4?) – EHHHHH. Full time giggling? AHAHA I have no idea lol^^

(Do no.5 and 9 get along well?) – On accounts of Qian Ru being a nice comprimising person, I suppose so. LOL

(Where is no.2 studying at?) – TP ^^

(Say something casual about no.1) – NaNa likes me. Secretly. *smugs*

(Have you tried developing feelings for no.8?) –I don’t have to. SHE WANTS TO RAPE ME!! *gasp gasp*

(Where does no.9 live?) – siglap. All tho its more accurate to say Starbucks, airport T2.

(What colour does no.4 like?) – ehhh…purple?? Ahahaha I dunno.

(Are no.5 and 1 best friends?) – no, but they dun bite each other and pull each other’s hair seeing that they are both from gurl’s sch lol. So tts a gd thing.

(Does no.7 like no.2?) – nooooo. It wld be immoral. *shakes head*

(How did you get to know no.2?) – Through Singcam. When I realize she was mad shinhwa fan. And is much nicer then her immensely fierce appearance ahahahahahaha.

(Does no.1 have any pets?) – yes. Some amount of fat cats ^^

(Is no.7 the sexiest person in the world?) - Pfft. She wishes.

don't think.

2007-08-31T09:54:00.000+08:00

Its hard being myself sometimes.

I am an over certified worrier. So over certified, im the only person in the known existance to be 5 mins early for an appointment. How many of "mes" out there still exist?

Anyway thats not the point.

The thing about regrets are that we overthink stuff, planning worse case scenarios and measuring pros and cons and generally running rings about ourselves until the chance given to us is over before we could make an executive decision. And that is probably why everyone has regrets in their lives.

....

We could put a stop to this right now. ( madonna live earth jingle in bckgrd)

*dies laughing at cringeness*

God i hate that lousy song. So yes, if all of could just stop panicking about making a right choice and just go do it we might be very pleasantly surprised. And I suppose it all runs down to guts as well. Bravery. the new essential item of the 21st century.

Carpe Diem people. Think Carpe Diem.

*bask in holy white light in jesus paraphenalia and wierd unshaved beard*

human after all.

2007-08-26T12:35:00.000+08:00

Walls and fences appear in increasing numbers as we grow older with every fatal step into cynicalism. Growing up means losing purity, innocence and a loss of the protection field our parents try so hard to keep us from being hurt in the world that we live in. Well. in my case, parent anyway.

So we learn self defence in the form barridication ( if there is even such a word. i noe. I tend to do this often.). Bite, and bite back. Following the footsteps of countless people losing hope and trust in each other by becoming less human and jaded. We stop hoping for the better and norminalize hurt. Thereby the fences and walls. It is one evil cycle whereby humans get so caught up with each other that we don't realise we are probably the only ones alone in the friggin milky way.

It only takes one person to hope and believe in everything that we were thought to believe when we were young to make a change- to end this evil cycle. But who has the guts? who would be willing to tear down the fences and walls and allow themselves to be hurt?

Everybody has feelings, no matter how jaded or numb they are inside. i should noe that because I havent leaked a tear in over a decade and something happened today that made me cry. In a good way because i didnt think I was capable of crying anymore.

All it takes is just one person.

ooops i did it again.

2007-08-25T20:58:00.000+08:00

so there's a few things i need to get off my chest and here goes.

I HATE BMR I HATE BMR I HATE BMR I HATE BMR I HATE BMR I HATE BMR!!

and i love Ms Ng *muacks*

Kthxsbye.

I Wish...

2007-08-18T21:27:00.000+08:00

I am in Oprah Winfrey Mode today but I shan't do all that sieze the day crap and feel like a butthead after posting this entry.

Dreams arent as hard to achieve as compared to taking the first step to achieve it. The first step requires the gut to believe in its realisticality ( if there is even such a word) and half the time the Dream doesnt cross the bridge and morph into Reality is because we just lack the faith in believing in the unknown.

...

That sentence just made me sound like some wierd nerdy freaky science geek. Anyway.

Its because believing makes us persevere and make sacrifices and do things that we never knew that we could do. Like not eating for 14 days on end, or getting a 2 point for O'Lvls and choose to go Laselle instead of RJC. Which brings us to the point that we still need to have enough logical sense to make sure our Dreams arent foolishly impossible. And thats a really fine line.

All of us should fight for our dreams though. Because thats what life is all about isn't it. God sure didnt make half a billion of us on earth to lay about wearing leaves and making out and reproducing faster than the amoebas can morph.

And that's why I am still going to Laselle to take up fashion marketing even if my GPA allows me to get into NUS. Which sldnt happen anytime soon looking at the current state of it.

But never say never. * hur hur*

* sings along to Tata Young and prances away*

and here's a lil smth to prove tt this sem's hasnt been a bore.

Cast of Singcam Remaking a scene. I looked like Gayed -Up Homeless Hobo. T-T

Short Hair! and geeky Pose in Ann Siang Road because geeks are hot. And that shopping makes the world go round.

Say Karma.

And sisters are forever. <3>

some things just can't be helped

2007-08-16T22:52:00.000+08:00

I waved to 3 people today in my course whom I don't talk to at all and after that i came to the conclusion that I need to be a little less self centred. Because you can only plaster a smile on for so long before it drips to the ground and splat right back into your face.

No. I am not arrogant. Its the lack of interest in other people that causes the words high horse fucker to ignite on my forehead like a blazing neon sign. So warped, I am, in my little world of emo-ness I ceased to realise that there are other people around taking in the same air I breathe.

But I wouldnt want to wave just for the sake of waving when I don't mean any remote form of good-will at all. Its pointless but everyone does it even if they hate tt person which I do not get. Mind games arent my thing.

I swear God laughs at his own creations every night as he watch us twirl into mindless confusion in a world tainted from the simplicity it once was when all everybody wore was a leaf to cover their you-noe-whats.

To end off this thought dispensing post of the day, I have to say unrequited love sucks. especialli when its forbidden.

ta.

Because its August

2007-08-09T20:29:00.000+08:00

I blame BMR for making time pass so fast.

my 18 can be described as unexpectedly morbid. Pushing aside all usual emo-ness away, I experienced what it felt like to lose someone you respect and love for the first time in my life and the 18th century victorian poets werent being over dramatic- at all.

So Tuesday's MRT suicide added to the list of death and morbidity because I happened to be only 4 doors away from the person who jumped on the tracks to kill himself. And I never did noticed that someone metres away from me was seconds from ending his life because I was so caught up with dance. The guilt.

And something happened today that killed my last reason for staying around still. I wonder when it would be my turn to disappear.

Yeah I noe. Im an ungrateful git. shoot me.

---

2007-07-31T13:10:00.000+08:00

I wonder if we can totally not give a damn about what people think of us and just be who we are- bitches, sluts, saints et al. And I mean a full 100 percent- not the girl who got herself pink cockscrew curls and refuse to step out of the house.

It would be totally great to just let go wouldnt it? I wish I knew, because Im kinda like tt pink cockscrew gurl- flamboyantly ignorant on the outside while a bustle of activity takes place inside me wondering what people really really think about me.

which is like sad of course.

I wonder when i would ever let go of all baggages and step out of the house like I own the world.

Describing Singcam project as, life-sapping, mother fuckingly draining would be like saying Mr. Yap is a little bare on the crown --That is to say, the understatement of the year. 8 hours. 8 friggin hours, from 5.30pm till 2am. Now we noe where Spielberg got his tummy from. The stress would turn anyone into a mini Blue Whale on legs.

Or a Xia Xue sporting a beard.

Oh Come Hither Spain. I so cannot wait for September the 21st.

Update

2007-07-28T21:18:00.000+08:00

She stared deep into water, listening in darkness, as the lights glistened and shone through an open window on her naked wet skin.

idly, she stirred the water with her fingers, watching the ripples blossom and wither as it stretched as far as it could go, never reaching the white enamel. The night was quiet, and she was used to the feeling of surprise that she was still alive as her heartbeat thumped in her ears.

She understood that it was gratefulness that should have been the one to fill her heart instead of the empty coldness that lodged deep, like a stubborn prick that refuses to be extracted. What she didnt understand was why.

She closed her eyes, and fall back into the endless montone she wished death could save her from.

where's my you jump I jump?

Damn its finished T-T

2007-07-22T16:08:00.001+08:00

I wouldnt spoil it for anyone , BUT HARRY POTTER 7 WAS GREEEAAAAAT!!!.

The book anyway.

Daniel Radcliffe is slowly turning into a frog.

How long can u emo anyway?

2007-07-11T22:17:00.000+08:00

A guy can only be emo for so long.

Its time to be big blonde boobies cheerleader mini skirt swinging rah-rah everyone y'all!!~

*shake it shake it*

and I blame BMR for eating up my brain to post an entry as rubbish as this one.

The end of yet another.

2007-07-08T12:47:00.000+08:00

We wake up, we go about our day, we sleep. Some of us wish the day we just had wouldnt end- others pray for a better day when they open their eyes the next day. And then there are the rest of us who wish we wouldnt have to wake up at all.

Im kind of tired of this living business. And im not saying this from the point of someone on the edge of suicidalness because I have a good life. Probably better then most anyway. But sometimes the monotone of an endless cycle of sameness makes me wonder if everything would still remain the same 10 years later.

We fight for our dreams. We meet new people who bring us many different roads to lead our lives down its lanes. Some of us get lost sometimes. Some of us walk down its lanes blindly only to realise that it doesnt acually lead to anywhere at all- Trapped in a limbo with nowhere to exit. Thats how I have been feeling lately.

And everything doesnt actually turn out for the best eventually because all the tiny changes in the process down the lane changes all of us to a certain extent whether we like it or not. Changes are good. Well so they say anyway.

Im just so tired.

Amazing something as fragile as life that could be snuffed out in a second could create such an impact on all of us.

Ishi

2007-07-01T12:44:00.000+08:00

It literally takes the breath out of you when someone you know and respect suddenly disappears from the surface of the earth without notice.

A life, so full to bursting point could just turn into thin air in a second when you just stop taking a moment's notice for one freaking moment. I don't understand. He can't be gone. There was so much of him that its not logically possible for death to fully turn him into nothingness. He's got to be somewhere.

But the fact is, he is gone. And I'm lost.

Its almost a joke to think that he would never teach me or anyone else dance again. Because he always does. Every Monday Tuesday and Thursday without fail. And nobody ever feared that something so good would stop because it just can't. There isnt a logical reason to explain it.

The laughter all of us shared. The special way he shakes his butt during warm ups that got all us smiling wryingly from behind. The way he never puts anyone down ever. The magical way he puts my gloom away every Thursday after a long day at school when I have to suffer 4 hours of singcam trapped in a room full of stupid bitches and a lard in human form when I enter his class.

The way he always tell us never to give up.

And its all gone now. and nothing would ever be the same again. Not like it matters anyway. Because my life is alrd on auto pilot mode until i decide what to do next.

where are you???

Ishi

2007-06-30T23:42:00.000+08:00

How could you.

Dancing would never be the same ever again.

I will miss you.

reticent

2007-06-25T22:57:00.000+08:00

A new word I learned from nana a few months back from her extensive backlog of "chim" vocabulary on account of her numerous postings of up-ur-bum entries on her blog in an attempt to keep the real message hidden from her readers when she gets emo and bitchy. I do get the philosophical discussions but playing merry go round with my brain? *smacks nana*

So I realised I am reticent. And that got me a little upset until I managed to convince myself that the world is a big enough place for an emo anti-social person like me. Which is kinda wierd because my report cards in primary school often emphasised that I couldnt keep my fat gap shut. Who said only a geek could be reticent? I have never touched warcraft in my life and look at me.

That I suppose is the power of puberty and acne breakouts.

Or maybe I just don't like my coursemates very much. Well. Big surprise.

And i just lost my train of thought because i just remembered some stupid little whore treated me like a dog in class today and I need to set myself on fire for not being quick wit-ed enough for a successful comeback.

Why can't humans ever understand that all we have got in this world is each other?

pause

2007-06-21T15:51:00.000+08:00

Its not because there isnt anything happening in my life right now. There are. Just that they arent the things I wish that are happening to me.

So If one day god decides to stop time for just 24 hours, I might seriously consider becoming an altar boy, no matter how collapsed I am as a christian, or dirty atheist whichever way you put it.

Oh and not that i am one to spill dirt or anything, but you know when a teacher has failed you when you learn 6 hours worth of tutorials in under 45 minutes from some lab technician. when you didnt even get anyth into your head when the teacher was teaching you.

There is so much politics going on I am no longer surprised at anything. I don't want to do anything anymore. even though there are tons of deadlines to meet. Or the fact that singcam proposal and BMR are still not done yet. I don't have the energy. Or the coping ability. What's wrong with wanting to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling while you count the number of breathes you are taking?

I am slowly turning invisible, and I like it.

Tomorrow

2007-06-14T11:15:00.000+08:00

I think tomorrow could be the cause of the reason why we just can't accomplish whatever we want to today.

We believe that time runs like a free fill for all of us. No need to worry that we can't be who we are today because tomorrow brings with it a fresh new opportunity and more importantly, time. Lots of it. Needless to say, it goes on as an evil procastinating cycle till we realise sometime too late that it is time to move on and we are still stuck where we are- In the "today" many years ago.

Oh, and thats when we get to see a spike in the this-is-your-life treatment, suicide rates and the boom of the emo culture when boys snog boys and girls throw back vodka shots like gummy bears in skirts so teeny tiny they might as well not be wearing anything at all.

Anything to place a mental viel over the big gapping hole in our lives.

But that really isnt the main problem. All of us on some subconcious level know that we are losing grip on many things we could be accomplishing with every second we procastinate. But we still continue with it anyway, because we hope for some magical solution that might suddenly appear to make everything happen without us slogging away.

And there really isnt. Maybe Life is supposed to be hard like that.

Although I would really appreciate it if I could have a peek into the future to see if i actually reap something out of the soul draining slogging that I would be doing today.

I never quite believed in all that " its the experience that counts" crap.

Growing up.

2007-06-10T10:51:00.000+08:00

Im not sure I like this growing up thing at all if it makes me stop believing in the impossible, play stupid mind games and be tied down by reality when I could be chasing down so many dreams of mine.

T-Time

2007-06-06T22:00:00.000+08:00

I need a little T-time to get things into perspective. Life has gotten so crazy I realised I don't even know who I am anymore. I have no idea what I want from Life but one's thing certain- being stuck in the wreckage that is me now is definitely not something I wanted. Everything has become so blurry and stilted that reality has rocked me unbalance with me hanging adrift, slowly swirling down, down down into its twisting whirlpool.

CMM is a good course. In fact, its probably the best course in business school, which equals to bright future, lotsa opportunities for career blah yadda blah. Its Safe, risk free and even if you're a bottom feeder chances are you would be better off then say, the people from mechatronics. ( no offenses, so.) So yes. I am in a good course, I'm not a bad student, my grades doesnt make my mom feel embarrassed to anounce it with certain amount of decorum to the trio of competitive aunties during chinese new year.

But its not what I want.

I wished I was in design school. More specifically, apparel and design merchandising. If only I took a risk 2 years back and opted for it instead of being one of the many sheeps guarded firmly by the hand of reality and blindly chose the safer course.

But what's done, is done.

If i don't get into university I am so applying for Laselle.

This is REALLY good.

2007-06-04T14:30:00.000+08:00

Phone sex just got really interesting.

Breather

2007-06-03T12:13:00.000+08:00

Everybody needs a breather, therefore thank god for hols.

No matter how ridiculously short it is and that there still are projects to do almost everyday anyway. I'm that close to calling it quits and joining the corner boys at Cineleisure with their heavy duty hair and jeans so tight you can see the shape of their puny undeveloped gonads.

There comes a time when everything you ever know of turns around into something different that knocks the breath out of you for being so very wrong in the first place. It sucks so bad, but it happens anyway because thats life and apparently we are suppose to come out wiser from it but nobody did told me anything about the fine print which warns us to be wary of scarrings and hurt.

And Wiser I did. Cynical too ( no change there). But I'm mostly sad and disappointed.

What can I say? Hope. Its a terrible thing. Kinda like the same way your insurance company promises to pay you a life-altering sum of money should you ever lose an arm but running for the hills as soon as you got into that freak meat slicing accident.

Promising the candy with one hand and taking it away with another.

Reality is a bummer.

Okay to happier stuff. Went out with Tracy on Friday on a pilgrimage to Orchard in search of The Bag!. Which wasn't totally a lost cause because good woman that she is, she was the one who spotted the gorgeous green leather bag from Project Blood Shop that cost like a Freaking Bomb. Although money wasn't an issue that day i think.

Didnt get the green bag though. Being careful isnt exactly a characteristic of a dreamy Piscean but thats what you get when the woman who birthed you is a picky Cancer- You become an overcatious clownfish. Either way Im giving myself one more week and if I still don't see The Bag! then im getting the green one. Thanks Trace!~ ^^

Had Dinner at Village in Heeren, which was like a really REALLY good caloric, carbohydrated
version of an orgasm. And yeah im using sexual euphemisn because I'm horny like that unlike a certain minah tudung who REFUSES to admit she likes porn and that is ridiculous because thats like saying nobody likes a 12 inch triple layered, thigh exploding chocolate fudge cake.

*snorts*

So yes. Between Tracy and Me, We had a cheese bradwurst, half a WHOLE roasted chicken (!), 2 lovely clams for me because she doesnt eat anything that lives in a shell like, erm, prawns, a huge plateful of Adoha pan fried potatoes ( effie we took a picture in honour of you), and a blackpepper and mushroom Crepe. No dessert because we were that full but tons of eye candy made up for it.

Especially the 2 of them seating 2 tables away from us that I keep giving the hairy eyeball to and Tracy had to stop me from swigging the craneberry vodka in case i did something really anti-social.

And yeah! WE TOOK PURIKURAS. <3

So to end off the post, here's a look of the piccies of the day.

To Effie: Wish you were here ^^

Because We are sexy like that.

Sugar cubes which we stole from Project Blood Shop!

We do not need a reason to take some more self loving pics.

Sexy? Bad Ass? Its both.

dying

2007-05-29T08:51:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning feeling like I had the mother of all cramps. Although its more accurately to state that it was in the Dead of the Night since i woke up with a screaming pain in my abdomen at 3.30am.

I have been there ever since and im tapping away on the labtop lying down on the bathroom floor right now with beady sweats running rivers down my forehead and feeling like I don't own my legs. I have pictured death in many ways but dying in my own bathroom had never even crossed my mind. The domestic unglamness of it all! If you ask me, the best way to go is to get into a big car crush in an Austin Martin and go up in a big fabulous ball of flame.

The end is nigh. I can feel it. Im a terrible christian, but God must have answered my prayers over the years to grant me death now before heading for the army, although he is a little deaf, because I clearly stated I wanted to die in the arms of my loved one Ala Titanic or Moulin Rouge, since i cant wish for a Fast and Furious one as I dont even have a driving liscence.

Not lying face down alone on my bathroom floor in my undies and sister's Roxy T-shirt, a sad virgin with a bad case of acne.

...

Oh god, I think I just got another hit of it.

Kill me please.

Come Dance with me.

2007-05-26T09:43:00.001+08:00

Life's been revolving around dance these days. I am tired, but very very happy.

Nevermind the fact I'm still that 3 steps short of completely remembering a cherography in under an hour. Loser, thy name is Samuel.

Went out with the Big Curly Haired Sis yesterday to chiong Great Singapore Sale, which got a little embarassing at a few shops in Heeren when the counter girls/boys recognized me. It was great fun. A rag scraf was bought, purikuras were taken and a movie was ingested. ( Bridge of Terabitha -- Josh Hutchenson is well on his way to have screaming fangurls climb his gates like monkeys in a zoo. )

The day ended with a super shiok 2 hour session at Studio Wu whereby I saw Charmaine and we got picked out to dance for MTV class. Needless to say i was so high I had to lie down in a darkened room at home after that.Grunge-someone say uber cool alrd.

So thought of the day was maybe we are too quick to place judgement on people. Flaws are perhaps what makes us human and that makes us all different like that. At the end of the day, acceptance is what really matters.

And being disappointed in people we once thought to be our perfect other self can really really suck.

Catch My Breath.

2007-05-24T14:27:00.000+08:00

You know that choking feeling you feel when you are swimming under water and feel like you can't catch your breath?

Thats the same exact feeling thats been clinging around me the whole of this semester. "Crazy", would probably be more than understated to describe the workload we have. No more than 4 hours of sleep per day per week and countlessly not eating for 2 days on end just to reach deadlines on time. Thank god. At least something good came out of all this madness- I lost 3kg.

And seeing that I am slender at the best of times, I am one blonde wig and rehab short from turning into nicole ritchie.

Additional good news would include the fabulous moment of finding out I made the top 180 list out of 500 auditioners to the school dance team. Many a happy jigs were danced that day and smses were quickly dispatched to spread the word. Greater was the exhilaration when a little birdy (dispatched by me) to inform The Scat I got into dance. Apparently she lost her grip.

Utter Fabulousness.

Well. The bad part would be that there isnt enough people for the package tour to go to Spain. Damn! Oh well. I suppose Egypt or Dubai isnt really a bad replacement. BUT STILL. Nevermind. The Mom has promised to go to Spain in October. So all I have to do is wait.

Now if only I could get film journals, individual literature review out of the way and Ms Chuah to freaking give me my interviewee by tomorrow, I would be a very happy boy again.

Because it's worth a post by itself.

2007-05-24T00:55:00.000+08:00

I have officially finished BMR Group Literature Review.

2007-05-19T22:53:00.000+08:00

Life's fair. It just isnt perfect.

The way I never end up with good looking people in an mrt carriage, the way my head is bigger than my body,

The way im going to Spain for 14 days and none of my friends are.

The way I wished I had more guts to fight for changes in my life.

The way my mom have the financial ability to give me anything I want.

Yes, Life is fair like that. Its just us. Us with the many expectations and wants for the things we do not have. Us who never take a moment to slow down and appreciate whatever we have, only when we lose it do we ever truely feel the abscence of its prescence.

Because hope makes us fight for the things we do not have. It gives us every reason to settle for more, to never stay happy for long. Hope plays a vicious circle to push us down to the depths of reality from la la dreamland after having so slowly raised us up to it till we could see its blurry edges, but never enough to get a close enough view before we free fall.

Maybe it isnt so bad to be happy about the things we have. To not want more things in life. Even if that means not moving ahead when everyone else does, because who noes, their fall might put us in front.

Problem is we keep hoping to be that person who never ever falls back.

Life's a bitch like that. Hope. I hate it.

try try try,

2007-05-11T17:45:00.000+08:00

Oh damn im typing all these in the maclab now because you noe, i have a dance audition in 15 minutes and I feel like I have a thousand butterfiles in my stomach and a very very real feeling of nausea. Like, its so not a big deal already.

Okay, end of mindless design school student rant.

Because I have posted up more than enough up my bum stuff the previous month, i shall catch all of you up on my life. I'm almost done with Grey's Anatomy whereby saying that I'm slow and behind time is the understatement of the year. I got my hair highlighted blue and I did something really really crazy like join freaking chinese stop press orgainzed by CSS herself when natalie caught me on the offhand and I brainlessly said yes. I know.

Im still in shock.

I lost hope in the humanrace a few weeks back and nana is trying her best to restore hope and faith in me. Well, I told her I'd try but if I were you I wldnt hold out any hope of me turning into some color painting, henna obsessed, smiley kindly freaking social worker.

But I promised. So I'd try.

My new class is well, my new class. Not much change there. But then again im holding out hope because Tracey actually has something in common with me. Which is like, rare even if it isnt school. Assignments are pouring in like a broken tap and im trying my damnest to stay afloat before I get drowned by it. Sometimes its so bad, I halfheartedly wish a car would run me down so I wouldnt have to do my literature review of Basics of Media Research.

And of course, fear.

The fear of having hope, the fear of letting myself down, the fear that i might become another person; a person that I don't like.

I never show fear if I can help it though.

-

2007-05-07T16:28:00.000+08:00

To Carine:

Because Boys arent allowed to cry.

Thats why.

Because Im worth it.

2007-05-03T19:47:00.000+08:00

The last crackle of hope fizzled and died in me today. Say Hello to Mr. Cynical, the new me.

Im done with the fakeness that everybody gives off. And I'm not even sure why they do it anyway. Insecurity? Sick Pleasure? either way its something and feeling like the only warm blooded person living in a world of plastics every single day has reached its limit.

Im done.

I dont care if I can count the no. of friends I have in school with one hand anymore. Because I learnt today that quality beats quantity- No matter how crass this may sound, albeit I am describing plastic here. Walking, living, breathing plastics. Because I am polite that way.

And 2 good friends are all I need.

Besides, I scored 81 for my BIG japanese exam. The one where there are 127 people people in my level and only 30 percent passed because it was so anally difficult.

And I topped them all. all 127 of them. And the 1st person below me who got 71 is 35 years old and im only 18. So that automatically makes me a fabulous person by default. And I can do anything. Like fly, and fuck a horse if I was inclined that way.

Whatever it is, i have spent more than enough time on stupid patronizing fuckers already.

Because Im like so worth it y'all.

2007-05-01T10:01:00.000+08:00

Its a great thing to finally know something that you are passionate about. It gives you hope, strength to pull through and that unbelievable, head rushing high when you are doing it, and just want to keep getting better at it. I am so lucky, because I have finally, finally found my passion and how many of us ever do in this lifetime?

I am so glad.

....

oh and someone should stop me because I'm thinking of getting pink highlights in my hair and it doesnt seem like a bad idea. To me. shite.

Love-- Myth or Fact

2007-04-28T20:00:00.000+08:00

I don't believe in Love. Lust yes, but not Love.

Tell me. How humanely possible would it be to love a person with average aesthetic qualities based on inner beauty alone with all your heart? Lets be honest here. We don't. But we try. And that justifys love about as much as we wonder what would it be like to actually have our crushes sleeping next to us at night except for the person whom we got married to to keep the wolf from the door.

The terrible patronization of trying to love a person who loves you with all your heart repeats its cycle endlessly and sometimes thinking like that brings me some comfort to my single loveless and unloved status when I see yet another couple eating the faces off each other on the bus.

But honestly though. I would rather have a short relationship with someone I love so much I would wake up every day in the morning thinking how great it was that I didnt die in the night, and more importantly-loves me back in return, then to settle for a long one with someone whom well, I know I could learn to like but just not right now.

Whats the point of entering a relationship when you only like the idea of having a lovair? And its so ridiculous how many of us don't love our bf/gf the way we feel for our crushes- Unless your lover in question IS your crush but we both know chances of that happening are heart shatteringly low and there is always the possibility that the roles reverse and your crush is the one trying to learn to like you. In which I believe is the que to break it up with him already girlfriend. ( Read and learn Laura.)

I only believe true love exists among both aesthetically and spiritually beautiful couples. The ones who hit the jackpot when their genes got distributed and got touched by the hand of the inner beauty fairy as they make their way into the world. Lust exists only for commoners like us.

Shallow but true.

Because only a beautiful person both inside and out makes us think about them 24 hours a day and do stupid things like going on a starvation diet for a week. And only a second beautiful person can attract another beautiful person in such a stupid obsessive way.

But we all still keep our hopes us anyway, that true love still exists out there for inner beauty.

I used to. I no longer do now though.

Loving in the first place shouldn't even be about learning.

2007-04-26T19:14:00.000+08:00

Extreme-ness is sex.

I want to know what its like to live a life so out of control you can't think straight, the only way to seek comfort is to drive yourself deeper into the very core of the craziness of it all because the last chance for turning back into the light had been forsakened and destroyed.

I want to feel the blood pounding in my head, the taste of rancid metal in my mouth, the fierce rush of adrenaline coursing through my veins, a high so euphoric and breath taking that I instantly cease to mentally exist but become one with it. I want to be so corrosive and mutilated that nobody can help me. Fear would be my friend.

Or.

Living a manicured perfect life of everpresent control, to be the best in everything that I do and to propel myself forward so far nobody can catch up. To be the new face of perfectness that its painful. Heaping success upon success in one perfect stack with no failures allowed to topple it down. To scream, cry and bleed so badly I need to extricate myself but still stubbornly keeping the finger on the pulse because, there is no other way out and certainly no room for being no.2 at anything.

Becayse living a mundane, dishwater life is just so so so bland.

PS: I just realised i promised natalie i wld join tt chinese press journalism thingy by chuah soon soon! OMG WHAT HAVE I DONE??!

ME.

2007-04-25T21:35:00.000+08:00

Talking to people is just difficult for me. Its A Thing. The same way your skin crawls when u see a worm dangling in front of you and the way saying "giblets" might make you dizzy. Or well, maybe thats just me too.

Please don't expect me to be some english speaking westernized, Vivenne Westwood, Rachel Yamagata loving person. I am just good at writing english. Fullstop. I cannot hold a conversation in english for nuts without slipping back into my mother tongue for more than 2 minutes and I know as much english bands as you would probably know who Tanaka Roma, Monkey Majik and Bennie K are.

Its the wierd funky combination of 30 percent english and 70 percent cheena that turns me into this android whenever I have to come to school every day and I don't deny it. It bloody sucks. Feeling like the biggest anti-social person in the whole of CMM is horrible and I can't even do anything about it because thats just who we are anyway. And I certainly have no intention of changing who I am.

Who am I to fly in the face of tradition anyway?

The moment of getting used to feeling like this is taking a hundred years to arrive. I am still waiting, but I wldnt bet on it arriving anytime this century and I would probably be dead by then. Though if given a choice, I would splat myself all over Chuah Soon Soon's desk so she would have something to remember for a lifetime.

Life isn't supposed to be this hard.

I heart Japan and everything about it. I scored 3 A1s for chinese, higher chinese and english. I never speak english if I can help it. I noe the 7 hokkien curses off the top of my head and can recite the oricon charts backwards and forwards in whichever order you like.

I literally cannot sustain a conversation in english for more than 5 minutes even though I average a novel every week. I am kind, patient and unfortunately introverted. I hate designer labels and their cow monogramed bags. I love Grey's Anatomy. Alot. But I don't believe for one second that life can be like that. I am selectively bitchy and a terrible shopaholic. I think I am intelligent, but sometimes I doubt myself.

........

And someone should come around right now and tell me that I'm not the only alien on this planet. Thank you.

2007-04-22T12:36:00.000+08:00

Like the way studying doesnt raise your marks, dieting makes you fat.

I mean, given a choice, would you rather be skinny and depressed or fat and happy? I for one gained 5kg this entire holiday- it is so needlessly redundant to say that im incredibly suicidal that I don't even do it anymore.

None of my anorexic clothes fit; my jeans only go up to my thighs.

At this rate, if I still can't find anything to wear i would have to go to school butt naked tomorrow.

But I'm not worried. No I am not. Because if I can lose 5kg last year in 2 mths during the hols, there certainly is no problem dropping the lard this sem seeing that I have the added factor of seeing Mr. Yap and Ms Chuah for 6hours every week, for the next 2 months.

Whatever that doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

Now would someone pass me that cut-throat razor please.

Wasted Time.

2007-04-21T09:18:00.000+08:00

Wasted time bring about pain, regret and trouble--We know this. The only problem lies in that we arent aware enough to fix it. As a result it goes on every day in our lives and I sometimes wonder what would it have been like if I was wasn't such a workshy lazy whore and grabbed every single opportunity that life had left on my doorstep before it got snatched off by someone else.

The solution is simple. But it requires guts, hardwork and sometimes even pride, which divides the man from the boys when a situation grinds down to these factors-- Do we fling in the towel, half-heartedly delude yourself that there wasn't any point in trying anyway or do we grind our teethand get on with it?

I am definitely a candidate for the loser category. Too many things have slipped through my fingers that I am quite certain life would have been a very different story had I fought harder for my dreams but tt's just it--I don't. I am not strong enough and I want to change that.

I suppose it isnt so much thinking how worth it would it be fighting for what we want, but whether we even give in a fight or not.

PS: Hope you guys lurve the new song.

Spain

2007-04-17T22:53:00.000+08:00

There is a 75% chance I might be going to Spain in June.

Omg. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait.

update

2007-04-15T21:48:00.000+08:00

Believe it or not, We are all more fortunate then we think we are, even though we don't always know it.

Sorry to start off the post with such hippy-type talk. I was about to change this post into some intelligent disectment of the human destiny but fuck it, Im not Daniel or Leraine, so im going to tell it straight up.

Recent events at work have made me feel so guilty about the way i fret over my orange peel skin and my utter despair at my abnormally humongous round head. ( which is true on both accounts, but however.)

We all tend to become so wrapped up by the problems in our lives that we tend to become so consumed by it we are blinded to the bigger problems that are occuring outside the paper thin boundary of our life and others around us. I don't suppose its selfish to be wrapped up in our own problems but sometimes we have to realize that having a couple of zits on a first date isnt that big a disaster as compared to the little girls in cambodia being sold off in the market like cattle by their own parents.

Satisfication with what we alrd have and accomplished can sometimes be a good thing too.

Whining about the size of my thighs and the size of my head and the state of my skin seem so pathetically trival that Im so ashamed. I should be damn glad that at the very least I have legs to begin with.

But sometimes, I just can't help it. Sorry, I am still, at the end of the day, a shallow bitch after all.

So what if I will never find love? So what if I will never be skinny? Wth if my GPA will never ever see the light of day?

At least im not a joy-rider to a man thrice my age and married to Ms Chuah.

Doing myself in

2007-04-13T16:55:00.000+08:00

Work keeps the demons away. It makes me feel human(ish), worthy and less invisible. Because holing up at home on day thats been pissing outside since morning has frayed my nerve endings terribly and there is only so much time a person can have in their hands before they lose it.

Now, if only work didnt gave me such an inexistent income and gave my fellow collegues big brains to go with their big hearts.

I know that people do get that random, horrible bout of depression now and then. Which is why I thought I didnt have a problem; probably too much hormones in the blood and a lack of sugar. Nothing a little chocolate and an episode of Ghost Whisperer can't solve.

Or so I thought. days dragged to months and now its a full year and I am still feeling it. Even when I'm ridding rings around myself with work it still stays around as a suppressed undercurrent of , I dunno, negative energy i suppose, till the next time I have nothing to do and it explodes in my face.

The perfect reason why Holidays arent all that it had been cocked up to be.

I wish I could say that it is just a pre-menstrual phrase thing and that I would get over it soon enough but I cant. And whining about it is not only such a terrible turn-off, it hangs a neon sign over you that spells L-O-S-E-R , shining like a beacon for the whole world to see. Ranting on my blog to let off abit of steam is the only thing I can do.

I wish I would understand why I am feeling this way. But I don't.

And this really sucks. Because half a million Africans are starving to death and yet I'm still being such a stupid suicidal self obsessed bitch.

Not like I can help it though.

Because its hard.

2007-04-06T18:48:00.000+08:00

When the going gets tough, I usually run away from it.

Well, most of the time anyway. Much as I would have love to say " I get tougher" with a low suffering grimace ,much like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Liaisons in the scene where she eventually dies a beautiful death amidst scented flowers in her own backyard in a Gucci Gown when she couldnt cope with the fact that her husband was a 2 timing aldulterer man whore. Not that it matters of course.

Reality Bites.

Working at GV wasnt just about the money, not that it actually matters anyway seeing that I would probably be better off paying them money as compared to the poxy sum they give me. No it was something else.

Which I can't really say since blogs are public and my course mates gave new meaning to the word bitchy. Although I should really cop on and get on with being Me. Not the impersonator that goes around in school looking at you like you killed my family and burned down my house. Because I am insecurity in a pack, and I'm not really afraid to say it either.

Not just saying that because of all that New Man thing going on, what with the 21st century men inheriting centuries of domestic abilities past down from ancient generations while the wife in question couldnt boil water without setting the house on fire. No thats because Im more honest ( and sensitive I admit) then most and we all have our weak moments no matter we like it or not.

Anyway as i was saying before I totally derailed your train of thought, GV was more like a social experiment. It was a test for myself; to break up the barrier I set up around people and be the person that I am. Which is freaking ridiculously hard even after 2 weeks working. It isnt more like I Dont Want to as I Can't- All those years boxing myself up have finally came back and bite me in the ass by proving my lack of social skills.

And things are only going to get even harder seeing that i have just recieved my new schedule and i would be training at the Candy Bar-- 24 hour interaction at all times.

a.k.a Hell.

I have a choice. I can always quit, throw in the towel like i have always done and choose the easy way out while coming up with a hundred different excuses to blind myself from the loser that I am or face it like a man with 2 iron balls and brazen it out.

But fear is a great temptation.

I dont know, i don't Know, I Don't Know.

Hope.

2007-04-04T11:40:00.000+08:00

Being right about things all the time isnt that great as it seems to be.

I am very self aware unconciously, even though my concious self tend to shy away from things that I don't like to face even when I know that eventually I would have to, sooner or later. Life's wierd that way-- Knowing the ineveitable yet trying to find all the loopholes around it because we keep having hope that maybe it would'nt turn out the way that it would.

But it always turn out the way we first assume anyway, because like all things experienced for the first time, we are still clear in our judgement before it clouds us over with time.

I suppose this is a little hard to understand and i mightnt be making much sense, but nevermind.

I am going to stop working once the school officially starts. As hard as it is to believe, i think I'm going to be very sad leaving GV. So I wasnt Mr. Sociable, but at least I was more at home there than I ever was in school. Which makes me wonder what kind of person am I anyway, being able to socialise better with the ITE students and 16 year old drop-outs then everyone from CMM.

I am from a different world I think, but I never once did felt I belonged in it. Which makes me wonder if I am really a closet Beng at heart, just that I am in english literate, japanese speaking, O'level cert holding denial. Its hard to feel like I barely belong to the human race. People say that we are suppose to know our "other half" the moment we lay eyes on them which I think is perfect rubbish, but I always harbour a little hope that maybe they are right.

Hope, its a terrible thing.

Okay, enough of all this up-my-bum stuff. So i went for dance class yesterday. Ubercool. Gave me fierce resolution to never eat again which wore off the minute I reached home and saw dinner on the table. I am so going to go for dance class every day after school even though it gave me terrible buttaches.

Our instructor was a great man for shaking his bonbon and dropping it like its hot.

Thank god he's below age 30.

...I'm going to miss my hot collegue when I quit. Boo.

Because Now= Greatness.

2007-03-30T21:58:00.000+08:00

"Excuse me, may I know where the escalator is?"

"Its right beside you sir." blind ass.

" Can I have the booster chair please? I'm seating at the front row and I can't see"

"Im very sorry sir, but the booster seats are only for children age 5 and below."-cheapskate!!!

"Are you deaf? I told you I want mustard and cheese on half the hotdog only! And why are the nachos brown? arent they suppose to be gold?"

" Im very sorry sir, but the nachos we sell are supposed to be brown and about the hotdog, maybe you would like another replacement?" -DIE, DIE DIE YOU STUPID PRETENTIOUS FUCKHEADDDDDD!!!!!

***

thus a summary of what I actually have to endure at work for 4 bucks per hour pay. But Im not complaining. Im professional. Even if the customers are all evidently stupid pretentious fuckwits and have never met my gang from Orchard Road and Jalan Basar, I still their crap anyway. I'm great that way.

But they better pray I dont recognize their fugly faces in a silent alley at 3am in the morning.

However, I still like my job. Love actually, even though it is back breaking work for such a low pay. Many many many reasons which I cannot say as this is, after all sadly, a public blog. But anyone who want a reasonably bitchy workplace with great work environment and selectively friendly collegues should work at GV.

The perks, as mentioned in previous post, more than makes up the meagre pay.

Well, thats all for tonight, gotta study for jap test tmr. Wish me luck everyone!~ ^-^

PS: Valerie, hope you enjoyed Freedom Writers today ^-^

GV

2007-03-25T10:09:00.002+08:00

So I recently landed myself a job at GV Tampines.

It is mother **** tiring. The boss is a balding lump of lard who took it real hard when he saw my long tresses and literally demanded that I chop off my locks immediately after 30 seconds into my first day.

My timetable reads that I start my job at 6pm and knock off at 4am. Hence knocking back my regular 10pm-7am sleeping schedule into utter chaos and turning me into a wild haired, sexily glazed male version of Eva Longoria.

My fellow collegues are stupid bitches whereby good friends bitch about each other the moment their backs are turned and I listen with great entertainment as they massacre each other in front of me and they don't even noe it.

Its bad enough when you are a coniving back stabbing bitch. But when you are a stupid one? Thats just fucking sad.

Well, but it isnt all bad I suppose. All the popcorn i can eat and coke I can drink and a free movie every 3 working days. Not to mention the unexpected amount of eye candys among the bengs and lians who practically live in the tampines mall arcade.

And my sexy working partner who keep me gorgeously, breathlessly brain dead whenever we work together.

Oh, and i get to wear a walkie talkie too! Love it. Makes me feel like a sexy spy every time I hook it up to my belt and don corleone into it.

So well, thats an update for you. Tata bitches.

jaded.

2007-03-18T21:47:00.000+08:00

All my life I have always felt like I operate on a different wavelength from everyone.

Is it a crime to be the person that i am and not go with the flow like the 9827263463 others with the A'level cert/short spikey crop/5566 fanatic?

Why do people take advantage of friendliness and treat you like dirt when they practically lick the gloryhole of people who treats them like dirt? Is it the ego rush that someone actually talk to you like a fellow human being or are we all just sick contrarys at heart?

It seemed like i got stranded when everyone boarded the one way trip to uber cynicalism. Well life have finally decided to not take the piss out of me and sent a boat out to me on my estranged island of naiveness. I am sick and tired of trying to be the nice back-up friend that everyone don't give a piss shit of when life is a dream, but could always be relied on when clouds start to gather ominously.

I feel so stupid and ashamed of my idiotic naive self for having faith that one day if I wait long enough, everything will take a change for a better and i wouldnt always have to go to bed with a heavy dull ache in my heart that just keeps getting bigger with time and I'm sorry I just can't take it any longer- lets face it, everyone is selfish and shallow when the going gets tough and nobody got the balls to continue their fake facade.

I give up. I won't be there when anyone needs help any longer. I won't be that person who introduce himself when we meet for the first time. I won't even try to be your friend, now that I think about it.

Cause in the end, they are never worth the trouble.

Crying honey? Thats what god created chocolate for. And hey if that doesnt work, there is always that cut throat razor in your drawer.

-

2007-03-16T21:39:00.000+08:00

Conversation with nana on msn last night was thought intriguing.

Maybe its true. I have spent such a big part of my life trying to fit in that I no longer gave a damn about what I want in life. Thoughts of how people view me, how I should look, behave etc etc. have taken over my own priorities that I didnt even realised it until today.

It took me 18 years.

...

sorry. didnt meant to be melodramatic.

I don't know what I want for myself now that realisation of my own foolishness have finally hit me after so long. What are my dreams? What are more goals? What do I even want from life?
Maybe somebody else should have taken over my place and get a go of how life really is like, cause currently maybe I don't deserve it.

But realising a problem and admitting to it is the first step to a solution after all and I hope that I will finally grow up, mature and be someone, instead of the needy, shallow, self concious 10 year old kid stuck in a 18 year old's body.

because we're hot

2007-03-13T11:11:00.000+08:00

Because we're are hot and we know it.

kinda.

Job

2007-03-07T19:48:00.000+08:00

I have been on a hardboil american series fest.

You name it. LOST, Desperate Housewives, Prison Break. Thanks to the internet im on par with the american viewers. All i need now is to find an interest somewhere inside me to watch Grey's Anatomy.

So I think I found a job. Well. sort of. Applied for NYDC and the only glitch in the deal was a 6 month contract that could very well threaten my non-existanish social life. 4 days a week with a minimum of 4and a half working hours per session. Accept? Reject?

Thing is my mom is kinda against it. Ditto my aunt and her aunt and her neighbour's fren after my mom spreaded the word down the entire family tree that I Got A Job. Therefore chances are if I do get the job, Im going to take it.

Bree's gay son was right. " when you start pushing us down one road with all your might, the other road would start to look very appealing."

But well, do you think i sld take the job if I get it? I mean, according to the photo-fy teacher second year is going to be kinda busy in an understated way. But seeing as its him thats hardly reliable source of information. Never trust a man who has a shiny bald head and a 50cent comb in his back pocket.

Give me your thoughts guys. im gonna need it.

blabber.

2007-03-05T21:00:00.000+08:00

I always thought that resting on your laurels could be just about the worse thing that anybody could do- We should never be satisfied with have now as there are always greater things out there up for grabs that we should fight for. And I have always lived my life like that. I am never satisfied with what I have or achieved for too long, convinced that there would always be that illusive somebody out there who is beating me by a mile. And I want to catch up with that stupid fucker and beat the shite out of him.

The thing is, after I have surpassed him, another one would just pop up quickly and the whole cycle would just repeat by itself and its so tiring to never ever be the top dog at anything. I am tired. I know the only person that we should compete with is ourselves but thats it- You would never ever be able surpass yourself ultimately. Every success would just stack up like a slush pile as you beat the shite out of yourself to "out-better" the previous achievement. And its kinda pointless if you think of it that way.

Besides, you don't get the cheap thrill out of watching a dozen pairs of jealous glares as you exterminate your competitors one by one.

Not that I would know of course.

Is this what it means to be a perfectionist?

Anyway, so as i was saying, maybe its time I stop beating myself out and appreciate everything that I have achieved instead of furrowing my eyebrows and wondering if anybody could surpass the record that I have set. Maybe I should stop thinking about trying to be the best in everything ( im not).

But then im scared i would let myself go so much I would never ever catch up.

So which choice should I choose? I don't know.

But knowing me, i would probably choose the one that would let me beat myself out.

argh, Im so,so confused.

waiting

2007-03-02T13:30:00.000+08:00

He sat still in his silent bedroom in the dead of the night, listening to his pounding heart, wondering when would the tears trapped inside him ever release the pain and confusion that he had smothered silently, unconsciously, over the years.

Why couldn’t he be like everyone else? Why was he different? Why couldn’t he have a normal relationship? Why must he be ostracized? It was no use asking questions that he knew the answers to. It was more of a matter of acceptance which he couldn’t face that was the problem. Moreover, it doesn’t help when he couldn’t find someone or something to blame it all on. He was his own problem, but he hadn’t asked for it in the first place- It came looking for him.

Sterility is a great veneer to shield him from the rest of the world. Nobody could hurt him, nobody would ever know anything. But at the same time, it cuts him off from the people who cared about him whom he knew naught of, potential relationships he could have developed extinguished by his icy coolness. It was much better for the rest of the world to acknowledge him as the obnoxious kid and leave him alone- In that way, he would have a good reason to explain to himself why he should never be to close to another human being.

But the thing is, that’s exactly what he wants. And he knew deep down would never get it. But it was much better to say that he wasn’t given the chance.

And he continued to wait silently day by day, for everything to change for the better.

18

2007-02-28T21:56:00.000+08:00

first things first:

Die all u fuckers out there who knew my birthday but didnt sms me. ^-^

okay. with that out of the way, let me continue.

I have come a looooooooong loooong way. I am offically 18 today. That means im legal. Generally speaking, I can't go around raping small boys and girls in sexy uniforms, steal your granny's money and do complicated highlights in my hair any longer. Worse. Im just 2 years away from entering the army.

Not that it matters of course, because I am going to die before I go the army. I will personally make sure of it.

17 wasnt a hot year. In fact, 17, the age whereby im supposed to be in the prime of my teenage life and being so off-the-scale hot prada and gucci sld be waiting at my doorstep bitch fighting to ship me of to paris and milan, I became The Anti-Social Kid and got left without about a billion scars on my precious visage that i might as well have lived in the chinese warring period or join the Red Hot Chilli Peppers as a back-up guitarist.

17, in short, was shite ass crap.

But not any longer. Im not going to go through all that shite I did when I was 17. I want to be a better person. having spent the majority of my teenage years like a holiday in Bahamas, I want to be able to set targets for myself and have the tolerance to achieve them. I don't want to settle for second best. I want to be the best in everything I do. Fuck all the years that I have wasted. Im not going through that all over again. Im 18. I don't want to look back at myself 10 yrs later and regret not having done/experience/achieve what I want to while Im still young.

Well, youngish at any rate. Yeah I can hear you. Young compare to what? piss off hon.

....

Gosh. Did I really typed everything that I just typed above. Fuck. I AM growing up after all. Is this what it means to be mature?

If thats true Im not crazy about it.

Hols

2007-02-25T19:13:00.000+08:00

Its been a long time since I last updated i guess. Long for me at any rate.

But thats the point. There isnt anything much to update, 'cept the fact i gained about 5kg eating all those New Year Crap and gaining about a gazillion zits, otherwise, niante.

I am going for a job interview. Soon. Well soonish at any rate. I never did liked dressing up and frankly speaking being trapped in a large boardroom with 2 scary looking people twice my age is just about the last thing I want to happen. But I need to eat food, and buy clothes, therefore there really wasnt much of a choice to begin with.

This sem is going to seriously fuck me up, by like alot. My GPA is going to plummet so much it probably wouldnt see the light of day again, nevermind scoring me into a semi decent local university.

Oh wait, what the fuck am I talking about. There are only 2 local Universities. And seeing that I didn't end up in JC I would have to go to Australia or smth to get some negligent degree that would be just about as recognized as a toilet cleaner's job requirement.

It isnt like me to be blue...okay thats a lie. I am always blue, but the hols just make everything 10 times worse, shining a harsh white light on my crapness and my lack of achievements in life without the lovely hustle of school politics to keep things off my mind. I wished i had a little more control of my life, but seeing I cant't even keep up to a 3 day dieting plan for more than 3 hours, chances are ....argh. whatever. I dont want to go into details.

If depression were engagements, I am Jennifer Lopez.

This is one long droning up-my-bum post everyone. Sorry, but im in no mood to write another story.

I wish I wasnt myself sometimes. But don't we all.

* slumps head on desk.*

PS: Thanks Keith and Asher. The mails were unexpected, sweet and made me less cynical as a person. Not exactly ground shifting, but hey, it made my day. And thats quite an achievement.

Angel

2007-02-17T23:44:00.000+08:00

She sat on the aged rosewood bench, enjoying the cooling freshness of a late windy November. Wrapped in a warm fuzzy cocoon of tartan and wool, she was quietly grateful for life as she watched Regents Park slowly turn into an oil painting of crimson and rouge. Autumn leaves fluttered in the breeze and the air was beautifully scented with mandarin blossoms and ash wood. A cup of hot chocolate mocha was all she needed now to turn this pristine moment into absolute bliss.

Her heart ached with bitter sweetness as she watched a young girl played on the park swing alone. Blonde ringlets swishing out of her tight pony tail, her gasps of laughter brought a smile to her face as she rocked in the winds. Time like all things left unnoticed, leaves us faster then we would have expected. 3 years have disappeared but awashed in such terrible grieve and misery then, it had all still felt like a second the day her life got drenched in black.

Arising from her reverie, she opened her eyes and realized that the dreadful bitterness in her core that had stayed resolutely intact since then had dissolved together with the time that had passed quickly. Memories were still etched deep but they were the ones that would bring her joy; a joy that made her grateful that she had been fortunate enough to have spent a chapter of her life with her, to have known a person so young yet so special that changed her life since her arrival till she left, instead of stubbornly grieving her loss. It would have been pointless and life had to move on.

She knew it would not be long now before she could allow herself the risk to fall in love again.

Standing up, she wrapped her tartan scarf tighter around her face and left, her heart a load lighter and an unseen angel hovering silently above in the evening skylight.

Slowly.

2007-02-14T20:54:00.000+08:00

Her eyes spoke a hundred different stories, eched deeply in lines and creases across her paper thin skin. A prescence so unspeakably intriguing, The sterile white sheets and cotton blue pyjamas did nothing to blend her together with the rest of the nameless living dead laying silently around her in the large mohogany room. Hair flaxened white with age, the early morning light creeped slowly into the dark room and she awoke to the first warm glowing rays of spring.

Quietly watching the apple blossoms bloom in the melting snow, she laid still, listening to the beepings of machines her life now grew reliant of. A fiery anger laid dormant beneath her cool exterior and she wondered how long it would be before she turned into the silent empty soul that rested beside her. It had only been a week and the thought of spending her last days in this hollow empty room was unbearable. Unimaginable.

"They have all forgotten, we were young once..." she thought as grieve took its toll on her raging heart. Her life like everybody else, was once a fierce beautiful dream of freedom and laughter. Watching the nurses drift endlessly among the hundreds of beds chattering and laughing, she wondered how it had all gone so terribly wrong.

A tear slide down silently and she closed her eyes. Nearby, a young girl watched in curious silence, a bouquet in her hands.

Jap Hwk.

2007-02-12T21:48:00.000+08:00

My short japanese compo hwk of the week. check it out everyone^-^

２００７年、の一月は私は家族と日本へ行きます。冬なので著と寒いかたけど大丈夫でした。四季の中で、冬が一番すきですよ!４日の中で、原宿と渋谷と新宿と池袋行きました。買い物の時間はとてもみじかかたです。でもたくさんの物買いました。

Eating habits

2007-02-11T19:47:00.000+08:00

I just spent approximately 7 hours writing bile for my 300 word incompleted individual speech. okay whatever. I don't really care actually, just let the holidays come quickly please.

Ate another ton today and realised a cycle in my eating habits. I normally shunt food left right and centre during the week days, barely ingesting an apple a day ( provided there are apples in the fridge. The kitchen in my house is more for display purposes rather then for culinary performances.) and then going mad come the weekends to make up for the weight loss during the week.

I am aware of course, but not aware enough to break the cycle.

eeek. I' m turning into a hog.

*grunts and totters away.*

sigh,

I just so very very tired lar.

Goddess.

2007-02-10T22:05:00.000+08:00

Her smooth honey golden locks shimmered luxuriously in the spotlights as bolts of flashlights blinded her. Tuning out her inner hysteria, she plumped up her lips and firmly pressed a smile on her face with rehearsed efficiency knowing full well she will wake up in the morning tomorrow on the cover of every major news bulletin.

Looking fabulous was not an option for her, but it had been a very long time since she gave a damn.

The endless seas of nameless, screaming adoring faces stretched before her endlessly, their screams and shouts filtering seamlessly into a single note buzz before finally switching back to the dead silence she had learnt to transfuse. One of the coping mechanisms compulsory she taught herself to protect her from feeling trapped in one delicious enticing nightmare.

She fought the rising urge of frustration beneath her cool veneer as she smiled and posed in her breath taking ocean blue gown that glittered and sparkled as the gentle breeze played with her diamond encrusted seams. It had started out a tiny pocket of tenaciousness, one she was able to ignore and control, but it had grew slowly with time and threatened to engulf her with the throbbing emptiness she felt deep in her core-one that she couldn’t turn a blind eye to no matter how she tried.

Why do I feel this way? She wondered. Everything on paper was perfect. She was the person every human being in the planet wanted to be, but with every success the feeling just got bigger and bigger and now it had stacked up into a formidable heap- blinding her successes in a flash with its illicitness.

Desperation was eating her up slowly and she knew it would soon be time before she loses her grip and trip up.

Smiling for one last time, she turned her back and walked back to the glossy limousine, looking every bit the porcelain goddess the world sees her to be.

another week--Done.

2007-02-10T15:57:00.000+08:00

I remembered telling myself on Monday if I made it through the week, I'm going to give all my money to the poor because i certainly didnt think I was going to make it.

I even called the bestie to tell her she can have my entire W-inds collection and told her specifically which songs i wanted played on my funeral. The bitch fucking giggled, said thanks and bye without asking me for my suspicious requests.

I am such a melodramatic fool.

But its true. this week had been a nightmare. Late last minute project fuck ups and the deadlines for about a gazillion assignments all cramped into the 5 working days. I barely slept a wink.

Can't be said though for the amount I ate. Pressure turns me one hell of a gastronomic athelete.

I probably put on about 6kg or something. ah fuck.

The worse was presentation. Oh my god fucken scary. Looking at my classmates dressed up in their zaras and topshops and over made up faces presenting their stuff like a pro even though most of them are barely legal eerily reminded me scenes from Matilda. Like i said, I know my stuff, but that didnt stop me from freaking out inside chanting " im fucked im fucked im soo fucked..." a billion times while appearing cool and collected and telling effie to " leng2 jing4"

Lovely surprise from DD though. He said nice stuff about me which I don't believe for a second. Your man must have had been out on the piss that night. Good prescence? Dont kid me hon.

Random thought here: DD is such a living walking cliche of a chick-lit hottie. Don't ask me why, but thats what he reminds me of.

and im sorry u had to listen to me ramble like a fool. I shall stop here now.

Good luck for the individual speeches next week everyone.

oh!

2007-02-07T19:57:00.000+08:00

Maybe I should try to be a vegetarian.

hmm....

The diet didnt work.

2007-02-06T21:00:00.000+08:00

My days with my beloved concealer are officially over.

*dumps concealer in the thrash*

Call me a bimbo, but dumping my concealer has probably got to be the hardest thing I ever done. Worse than the time I had to give up track and field cause my right leg is banjaxed.

The acne diet didn't work out. I refuse to believe the fuckers who could subsist on fruits and fruits alone for 14 whole days, never mind a month.

So I got an introduction from a friend ( thxs daphne!~) who had vv bad outbreaks but recently seemed to have improved by leaps and bounds. Went to see her face doctor today and came back 170 bucks lighter. OMG. There goes my new year clothes everyone.

The doc didn't allowed me to wear make-up. so for the sake of my skin, im going to brazen things out for the next 3 months.

Children will throw stones at me on the streets. babies will start roaring crying whenever I pick them up. I'm going to have to lie and say i got chicken pox. But who cares?

I will have lovely skin after 3 months.

Just do me a favour and give me strength to go to school tmr.

T-T

aaaaah.

2007-02-05T20:13:00.001+08:00

This is so not the right time to fall ill.

*slumps.*

I Heart Japan

2007-02-03T21:11:00.000+08:00

私わ。。日本が本当に好きだよ。本当。

Contrary-ness

2007-02-01T11:04:00.000+08:00

I am worried.

I fear im currently being fobbed off with a false sense of security that I have almost finished all my work that there is left to do for this sem, only to be given a very nasty surprise at the last minute that i have indeed, left something out and therefore would be headed for the gallows soon after.

Thereby i'm going to make a list of stuff that I am supposed to do and have done. Please be kind and help me see if i have left anyth.

~~-Percomm/MMPrin Project~~
~~-This week's forum posting~~
-ICA 3
-IWA 2
-French Speech Presentation
~~French Group project~~
~~Photography Group project~~
-Individual Speech presentation preparation ( visuals! im so in trouble T-T )
-Group project presentation

I'm like almost that sure I haven't left anything out but as they say now, of the best packed of mice and men etc. etc.

Also, as you might have realised, i have been posting short stories on the blog. I admit, I am not a good writer but well, gimme ur lovely comments y'all. I love literature and just as well really, since im on a story writing kick.

Much better at any rate, then to turn ur brain into sludge with our local TV entertainment.

And omg today's february! I'm offically old T-T

ciao~

Brainless gorms

2007-01-30T15:03:00.000+08:00

Let me start off this post by saying that the following paragraphs that follow after this one is not targeted at anyone in particular ( or well at least nt all of them), just fuckless gorms that i had the terrible misfortune to meet in my life.

I make mistakes. Thats because i'm human. However, i make decisions too, and that seperates me from the multi human lookalike androids that roam the earth.

Particularly this country.

If there is one thing i hate more than a person late, it's is a person who can't make decisions for themselves. People who look like they have no idea with what they are going to do with their lives, looking as if they had descended from another galaxy altogether and looking helplessly at every other people in existence that they know of for answers other than themselves for the decisions they have to make.

I am fiercely independent when I choose to be, and it doesnt help when these fools stare at me helplessly like gobshites for an answer to everything.

It usually makes me want to grab them by the neck and slam their heads against a cement wall while screaming hysterically to go fuck themselves upside down.

Don't fucking ask me " then how?" Oh my god do i fucking look like i'm your fucking brain? which part of my face look like your cerebrum? Is it my nose that looks like a pituitary gland which make you look at me helplessly for an answer to your question or are you just a stupid mother fucking gobshite?

I may have zits but i so do not have bloody creases and arcs on my face. ( cerebrum muscle tissue reference)

It is such a repulsively needy thing to ask someone else for everything that you have to do and by answering " I don't know" to everything shows how fucking lazy and dependent you are. So how does that differentiate you from a robot? exactly, so now go drown urselves.

Anyway, I probably would'nt give you an answer. i might just piss you off and reply back innocently with a " yar hor then how arr???" so you would for once in your life use your rusting 84 yr old brain. Anyway thats on a good day. A bad day usually means an assortment of vulgarities plus an underlying promise of actual bodily harm if you dun fuck off this minute.

Im sorry, but a guy has to let off steam once in awhile. albeit a metro one.

Oh god I hate brainless people. i really bloody do.

Self instinct

2007-01-29T19:42:00.000+08:00

If there is one thing on earth that i can rely on when all else are a whirl of maddening confusion, that would be my uncanny instinct.

I wasn't born Mr.Confident, and never likely to be seeing how things have stayed resolutely the same over the years. Its funny. The things in life that you desperately want to change refuse to budge an inch and the things you hold close and dear metamorphosizes so quickly and to such an extent there isn't anything left that you can do except to watch it quietly and accept.

Okay anyway that wasn't the point. Life is still a contrary bastard anyway.

So as i was saying, I never did knew I had in me till a few years back although in the backwash of my mind I always noticed my judgement of how things are going to turn out, how the person is really like inside etc etc are surprisingly accurate. Although insecurity always got the better of me and i choose the choice that has been pressured onto me. I always end up wrong in the end of course.

No, I'm aint actually boasting. I'm quite in awe myself.

But no matter, i know better now.

Die be the first bitch now who undermines or worse, mock the choice I choose and the judgement I make.

So you want to know what i can do. Well actually, you don't. but Im going to tell you anyway. thats because im shameless and im bored and have nothing to do.

I am quite good at making the correct decisions, most of the time. I tend to have an idea what will happen when i make a particular choice and never pick the wrong one. Thats how i landed in CMM in the first place and not interior designing in design school where apparently its better to work in an indian sweat shop for 20 hours a day then to seat through their 3hr tutorials. And thats just regular school stuff. i havent even touched on the unbelievable amt of projects they have.

I know whose the closet bitch, the unadulterated bitch who everyone thinks is so the bomb, and of course the run-of-the-mill bitch. ( but that doesnt need much instinct work i think.)

I noe I sound awfully full of myself to judge people like that when i dun even noe them well yada yada crap but trust me I aint smug and more often then not i am often right in the end and its well too late when she is running rings around your boyfriend. It has happened before and it will happen again.

Well, seeing is believing I guess.

Alright Im off to do my forum posts now.~

Dreams.

2007-01-29T00:07:00.001+08:00

She sang into the quiet night, watching the city lights twinkle in the distance, the cold frosty wind playing with her long auburn hair. Smoke spiraled serenely in long slender rivets from her cigarette into the air before vanishing into the night.

You were right here with me this time last year.

She laughed bitterly; a single tear running down her cheek in a long black streak. She didn’t believe in dreams. Life has taught her well and she knew the rules of the game. Dreams were for other people, the ones who have choices in their paths and a roof over their heads.

In short, people who lived.

But he suddenly cam into her life one day, and with reeling speed he defied everything she believed in. Life, almost laughably, played in warm technicolor instead of the same shade of grey that she was accustomed to.

In her possession was a dream that everyone else had and for the first time in her life she didn’t know what to do about it.

She was scared.

There was so much more to fall when you genuinely cared.

But she had seen a living, breathing person reflected in his warm hazel eyes; the life he shared with her unselfishly, from the way he laughed warmly at everything she said, to the loving words that he poured into her ear, gave her reason after reason to believe, and eventually she did.

Foolishly. Life always has the final say. She knew this, but she had forgotten.

And in an almost predestined accident, he was gone.

Wiping her tear away, she left the pier quietly, blending into the darkness of the alley before the sun shone and the world awoke to yet another day.

Good morning.

Beautiful.Plastic.Perfect.

2007-01-28T19:35:00.000+08:00

I wish life was this perfect sometimes.

Day 2

2007-01-27T18:06:00.000+08:00

Yup, I told you guys i would keeping you in track, so yes, I had a few setbacks initially, but the crazy rampage binging has been controlled and I am now "steady on" in Day 2.

Well, I did cheat i suppose. kaya sanwiches and one chocolate pocky stick. The chocolate pocky stick was a mistake of course, but how many kaya sandwiches are you going to eat to get a zit?

Impossible. But just to be sure, i'm cutting that out too.

My life has suddenly become very small.

There is only so many apples and bananas you can eat before you tie yourself to the chair and padlock the fridge when raw primal hunger kicks in.

But i'm not bloody giving up. I have started so i shall finish.

Besides, its only 14 days.

After that I can eat all the carbs I want.

Oh my god I hope all this effort is worth it.

I refuse to look like a leper on my 18th birthday.

T'was January

2007-01-24T09:25:00.000+08:00

Holy mother fucking shite.

I am fucking breaking out!!!

And you'd swear at the ripe old age of 18, it would already have been passe. jeezus.

But its January, and like all other Januaries for the past 5 years, The lil fuckers always bloom this time of the year left right and centre like bloody peaches on a hot summer's day.

Which, as according to procedure, would leave me scarred and depressed the following month of my birthday, undoubtly mother nature's huge scam to make me look like a big gobshite as I take one step closer to my impending grave.

But no more!

Someone up there must have taken pity on me last night while I surfed the net under the duvet convinced I was the ugliest person on earth when I accidently bumped into

this.

My fellow bumpy sistas in the street, go take a look urselves.

And I swear to god upon this day, I shall never be fat or ugly again.

It just takes a little bit of will power. a Little bit.

And since I have already eaten an idustry sized packet of kettle chips for breakfast before this post, I shall start immediately after publishing it.

The next 14 days is going to be tough, tough, tough.

Luckily, i am too.

Void.

2007-01-21T14:14:00.000+08:00

David…

***

She licked the blood off the knife, slowly and meaningfully, till it gleamed in the dusty orange spotlight. It tasted exhilaratingly sweet.

A sigh of satisfaction escaped from her plump red lips. Her wrath sated, she put on the kettle and made chamomile tea, humming as she went as the wretched girl stared back, slumped lifelessly across the kitchen table, the look of frozen horror forever imprinted on what used to be a beautiful, angelic face.

The shackles clanked as she tripped on the chains of the girl she had bounded her to while getting a cup from the wooden drawer.

She cursed and spat on her face.

A face, painstakingly and tenderly carved with a cleaver, criss crossing across her cheeks and forehead, like an artiste sweeping broad stroke after broad stroke onto a magnificent masterpiece.

She smiled with thinly concealed lust as she remembered the intoxicating high she had felt when her screams pierced her ears right from the very first cut-a singular long sleat running across her eyebrows right down to her chin.

The way her hands and legs thrashed to no avail on the iron shackles and cuffs that were bound onto her as she desperately tried to escape fed her animalistic lust.

With every slice on her perfect visage, the pain in her lifted a little, and she gnawed desperately on the pain reliever like a hungry dog to a bone, bringing the cleaver ever so deeply into the cheeks of the girl with every cut; feeling the euphoria in her core building up unbearably slowly as the girl screamed and begged her to stop, the blood spreading slowly across the table, onto her hands and blouse, splattering across the marbled floor.

The wretched girl's screams finally brought her to a climax. Slashing her throat in one swift stroke, she ripped off her clothes and had her way with her, right there and then on the kitchen table. She stared into her clear glossy eyes that were dimming out of its light as she throbbed with sinful pleasure.

And all too quickly, it was quiet again. A petal fell slowly from the roses on the mantelpiece into the pool of blood on the floor. The cat sinking its claws onto the mice under the moonlight tonight outside her pavement wouldn't be the only one to have finally caught her prey.

And eat it whole.

And when I write stories like that, it means that the project deadlines are looming. And I have not fucking finish them yet.

10 things you didn't know about me

2007-01-18T22:23:00.000+08:00

1) I once weighed 73kg.

2) I have stopped believing in God.

3)I have sat on an adult tiger in Thailand before, and have the picture to prove it.

4)I hate eggs, snakes and public toilets

5)My greatest fear in life is not of death, but to die alone.

6)Late people to me is the greatest turn-off.

7) I am incredibly self sufficient.

8) I sky dived once, and didn't like it.

9) I am meeker than I look

10) I am wilder than I look.

Best Friends.

2007-01-17T12:56:00.000+08:00

I really would want to keep an eye on my chocolate intake these days. Had a crunchie and a rum & raisin ritzsport. Way too full to eat lunch and I have a heavy leadened suspicion there goes my dinner too. Talk about eating disorders. jeez.

Percomm lecture was interesting this week. The lecture covered the power of body languages and some fluff on intimate distances which is like very "duh?!"material that was first explained and categorized by some old british fool with too much time on his hands.

Nevertheless it left me thinking.

All of our lives we spent a huge part of it wishing we had a best friend- That special confidante whom you could rely on when the world seemed an ominous place to be in, the one with the shoulder that you could cry your eyes out on, the person who would never say no to a shopping trip when you have no one to go out with on a bright sunny Saturday.

So we trudge on with our lives, keeping our eyes peeled out at the same time should these illusive souls fleet by and create that chemical firzzion and save us from an abyss of loneliness, and never ever be left alone again in a cinema filled with couples while you're the one sad ejit stuffing popcorn in your mouth with a very empty seat beside you.

The funny thing is, potential best friends are always present more often then we thought there are the rare, save-the-pandas species. However judgmentalism and self obsession are blinding, and unfortunately, thats what we all do when we meet someone.

I am lucky. I met mine 5 years ago and at the risk of going all Catherine Cookson on you, I have to say it was probably one of the happiest thing that has happened to me.

Okay thats it. Sop fest is over.

Anyway, I only said it was one of the happiest things. The Happiest Thing has yet to come.

I am waiting.

Wishes.

2007-01-15T19:29:00.000+08:00

You know how people always wish for the same 3 things in life if God ( if there ever was one) had been having a jolly good day and decided on a whim to dispense one wish for every human being on Earth.

Fame, Beauty, Money.

If I ever had one wish, I would wish for more tolerance.

Its a very handy thing to have around with, if you come to think about it.

Tolerance wouldn't make you throw a white hot iron at your fat demanding boss; or do something equally anti-social that will have your face splatted across the daily broadsheet with a circulation of half the nation when he puts you on the most vicious tax code in existance.

Tolerance would keep you cool, zen and calm when the a roaring bus splashes you from head to toe on a rainy day while you are crossing the road after school having just recieved a big fat zero on a term paper. Particularly cool.

And when catch your boyfren dining with the school scat at the particular restaurant he had absolutely refused to bring you to even though it had been your birthday, with tolerance you could calmly walk over, pour wine all over his head, and wave your little finger at the bitch and say " He's yours. But hardly worth it though isn't it?" In the exact way you have practiced over the years after an unfortunate string of unfaithful bastard boyfriends when you hadn't got a chance to.

And most importantly.

Tolerance would ensure your diet works to a T. Instant Fat-Loss Solution! You would never ever be fat again.

So you see. Tolerance in most ways, makes the world go round.

To me at any rate.

And when the beautiful people get what they want, and realise half the population all wished the very same wish as theirs and start scratching each others' eyes out, while the rich billionaires create a financial cyclone with a very unbalanced economy and fame runs its way into the ground with too much A-listers around,

You can't just seat back, relax, and watch it all.

The "Chim" stuff

2007-01-13T22:49:00.002+08:00

I know I wasnt born your philosophical genius.

Neither was i born cute, hot, sexy, tall, or ugly. The good looking gene went to my sister. I got left the Smart, Capable, and Funny gene. Definitely not the gene pool of my choice, but fair is fair.

She's the pretty airhead. I'm the brainy closet geek.

Anyway why am I tell you this? thats another thought, for another entry.

So as I was saying, even though I know I am smart, I am not really that smart. But the difference between me and the average above IQ population would be that I really, really want to be smart. Contentment I believe, is the very first step to failure and resting on your laurels is the mental equivilant to academic suicide.

Thereby the endless internet searches for an answer to the big bang, the dead in the night sudoku matches, and the loan of serious classics every week, all in an attempt to increase my above average intelligence to sure brilliance.

I want to be your socrates quoting, Russian history extraordinare punk with the purple hair.

Okay so I borrowed Paulo Coelho's 11 minutes and I have to say I'm not sure whether the book is an excellent work of showcasing our society's underground prejudice, or a very cleverly concealed sex manual. Yes there was lots of sex, and all of them described in such sacredness you'd swear having sex is right next to godliness.

The really interesting thing was how Paulo Coelho managed to put frivolity and prosituition in such a positive light. Lots of talk about the power of choices, Individuality, and the freedom of posessing without being ever truely posessed, which I have to say in my opinion is alot of talk for going one big round to conceal one's irresponsibility, lack of maturity and foolishness.

But of course, I mustnt be such a prude.We should all be open to ideas and the freedom of speech.

Either way, I'm going to have to read that book again. Your man is one brilliant up-his-arse. This is actually the first time I have ever read finish a book and not understand what the author's trying to say.

Well, or i might just be too young.

Believe.

2007-01-11T18:50:00.000+08:00

THE.RAIN.IS.NOT.FUCKING.STOPPING.

and I have a night photography assignment to complete, rain or sans rain by tonight. Because penny pincher Mr Lim doesnt allow overnight camera loans on friday.

But I am calm. Repeat.

I.AM.CALM.

because the rain will stop. Because my night photography will be fucking fab. And Mr Yap will realise he has a brilliant student who has consecutively handed in straight As assignment and like a humongous tidal wave hitting his big thick head, he will recommend me to some hot shot photographer from say, France because secretly he is a closet gay and has had a hot rendezous with an equally fat, bald but brilliant French photographer. I will make my name in a 2 pronged approach of brilliant pictures and low grade sexual favours to the pair of them fat bitches all over the world and be happily married with a hot french model.

All accomplished before I reach the unfavourable age of 25, when your arse starts its slow descend to the floor, your skin shrivel up like wet tissue paper and you stop erecting twice per hour, 24 hours a day, 365 days of the week.

And oh guess what? the rain has just fucking stopped.

Thank god.

I'm off biatches!

Neutrality.

2007-01-10T20:56:00.001+08:00

Every judgement made by us in life goes through a thought process, no matter how rash or nonsensical the choice we chose- because even before we have made that very choice, somewhere, somehow, deep inside every person's core, we already knew which path was the correct one to take; it just takes awhile for our senses to catch up with our subconciousness.

The teenage mom already knew what could be in store for her the moment she chosed her life of flamboyancy. The rich spoilt girl who submitted herself willingly to prositution knew what awaits her in her future. The theif knew his days were numbered with the face of the law as he creeped in the still of the night.

And yet they still chose the choice they choose.

And the cliched " everything happens for a reason" comes to mind. But scratch that.

The reason they chose the choice they choose is because they see a different side of a story that the biased and and judgemental could not see. A speck of light from the darkness that society has cast uponed that beckoned them towards the choice they make.

A right from the presumed wrong.

We judge and we critique because we cannot see what they see, feel what they feel, and hear what they hear.

And that doesnt give us a right to judge anyone for what they do be it the positive or negative judgment that you cast when we havent taken a moment to take a step into their lives.

We still do of course, every single day. judge, that is.

But then again, if i was to maintain a position of neutrality like that, terrorists could get away with bombings, lechers could get away with rape, and people and get away walking down the streets with no clothes on.

....

I suppose there was never really such thing as a balance after all.

私の世界　（１）

2007-01-06T22:53:00.000+08:00

I'm trying this entry out in jap so i can get a lil practice. none of you will understand a thing anyway. dun bother reading tata~

ああ~一年の時間わ本当早いね。２００７年のくるから、私本当にちょっとさびしいね。。。でも　わたしも友達と約束守るから、がんばってしなければいけないんです。いつもさびしの感、２００７年の前に、重い意の思いわぜんぶおけします。

学校で私の友達に少しなので、図書館わ私住むの場所になりました。べんきょするときは、本およむときわ、全部このどころでだしました。もちるん、友達はたくさんあたら、私は図書館いるのときはとおくないだよ！でもすこしです。よくないね～

alrite. i'm tired. shall cont'd this another time.

Shallowness

2007-01-03T21:59:00.000+08:00

I have a question for you guys.

How shallow are we really?

uh huh. That is one tough question to answer. Not so much because you don't know the answer, but answering the question itself in the most politically correct, society accepted way.

Well, I do. And my answer is an unabashful yes. I am quite frightfully shallow. No. I am not proud of it. But at the very least, I am comfortable enough to give such an answer. And I'm trying my best to work at it.

Even though I have to say it is proving to be quite difficult.

Picture this scenario: Its the first day of school. You're frightfully excited, looking forward to the new people that you would be sharing your life with for the next 3 years.

You walk in to the campus.

after much enquiry, you finally meet your classmates. You noe none of them. There's that babe and hunk seating at the far left next to you. An empty seat besides them gives you the very chance to chat up and make frens.

And then, to your far right, seats this obese girl with a fair few of zits,a very glaringly obvious empty row of seats beside her.

Now where would you choose to seat?

I noe the answer to that one myself.

To be completely honest? I would seat with the good-lookers. Sorry.

I did told you. I am quite frightfully shallow.

However, the past year had taught me many things. many things that our society has taught me that it is the more politically correct thing to do even though nobody ever follows them.

I have learnt that sometimes beautiful people does not gurantee an equally beautiful character.

I have learnt that striving for beauty, which holds the illusive promise of happiness, sometimes bring the very opposite of it. Still learning in fact. The hard way.

I have learnt that un-beautiful people sometimes can hold a conversation with me for hours. And me laugh too.

I have learnt that un-beautiful people can sometimes make me feel like they are the most gorgeous person in the whole wide world.

I have learnt that beautiful people gets an unfair advantage in life.

I have also learnt that there are beautiful people out there with an equally beautiful soul inside. But they are a dying breed. And dying faster then i can say " you've got a zit."

i have learnt that everybody are attracted to beautiful people whether they like it or not.

Yes. CMM hasnt though me half as much in theory as compared to spending life in the course of the people in it has. Just as well. perfect reason why my grades hasnt exactly made mummy dearest smile at me and pat "good boy."

But I'm grateful.

Now what I really really want to learn is to see past my own shallowness and get over myself. Life is just way too short for me to spend it on pretty living empty manequins, or become one myself.

And find the guts to approach brainy people, because they are just plain scary. eyikes.

2007

2007-01-02T19:26:00.000+08:00

the trick to approaching a new year, and a successful, fufilling one at that, is to never expect much from it.

No, Im not trying to rain down on your parade.

( It's fine for me to be emo seeing i am all that most of the yr anyway, but I nvr drag down anyone with me. Nice, selflessness and kindness are my first,middle and last names. well why am i telling u this u wldnt believe it anyway *sulks*)

It works the same way as that first primal rule of the ever growing rule book of dating 101- If you are sincerely and genuinely not interested in the opposite sex, the hawt ones will all come aflocking to you when you least expect them to like vultures to flesh, woman to new season chloe bags, gay men to straight men etc etc.

similarly, entering the new year convinced you will be sacked from your work, be the unfortunate achiever of the worse grades in school and get killed in a freak meat mincing accident so you wouldnt reach your 18th birthday and die a sad, sad virgin lessens the foolish hope that one assumes is the most important element when approaching all elements and aspects that are new and foreign to them when they reach different platforms of their lives.

I never did quite bought all that "miracles will happen if you believe" crap.

The trick here is to bring down all levels of foolish hope to a bare mininum, so when shite things happen, your world wouldnt crash on you, and when good things happen, you will genuinely experience that primal exhilaration that only unexpected joy can bring.

Not the best attitude, i agree. But thats reverse psychology for you.

and oh yes, if you had been wondering, this method works perfectly for keeping to the new new year resolution you set too.

Happy New Year.

Fleeting moments

2006-12-30T20:14:00.000+08:00

Temptation would perhaps be the one weakness that might get me killed someday.

goes the same with curiosity, pride and vanity.But temptation. Hell...thats a another ball game althogether.

I have never been good at resisting anything I desire. Could be down to the inherited gene of impatience from my mother's side of course. Chocolate, sleep, clothes, XXX. you name it, and i probably wouldnt last 3 seconds without lunging myself at it. It is actually literally impossible for me to turn a blind eye or bit my lip while jiggling from top to toe with unbearable desire trying to fight the illicit urge that overwhelms me like a crushing tidal wave.

And then today I was thought a valuable lesson.

The process of it wasnt important. What I learnt from though, was.

Temptation, like milestones in life, hits you hard from time to time. It happens. But with every single hit, the impact it brings might be bad, but it isnt permanent. you could lie low for a while, keeping your face down in a shadowed corner, waiting for the storm to pass, and eventually, it will.

Sometimes you wouldnt believe that anything will change, but Life apparently has proven to be a pretty hardy thing.

and yes, bring on the " Time heals all wounds." yad yada crap. Such cliched shite! but there you are.

It isnt so much the initial shock from the pain that it brings which hurts so much. Its the waiting period for the pain to pass that is more unbearable.

And how i have ended up talking like Miz Oprah when all I have started off was giving out about surviving temptation from a single chocolate Mars bar, beats me.

I feel a John Lennon moment coming on now.

2006-12-18T15:12:00.000+08:00

I just did something very desperate and very foolish.

Nana should know.I spent almost 3 hours grilling her on MSN last night. She's great. Nobody comes nicer then her. Even though she's a lousy liar, but I forgive her. ^-^

I will say this for her tho. When the Mars bars are down, this woman is worth her weight in Kit Kats.

So now, we wait.

***

Its kinda ridiculous to shell out a bomb on new winter clothes when you alrd have a ton of them for a four day trip which they probably won't see daylight again hidden in the back of my wadrobe after the trip for the rest of the year.

I swear, i really tried. But there is absolutely nothing that is remotely fashionable about the stuff that I bought 2 years ago for the Europe trip. Going to a country when half the population weigh around the average weight of a small indian elephant, you can wear a dead skunk thrown over like a pashmina and you would still look good.

And i had been young and foolish. Caring more about keeping warm then upholding my image. Really. the things we do when we are young.

Not that im very old of course.

Im going to Japan in 4 more days. Japan. the land of manorexics and gurls with small hips and big busts and big, big humongous curls.

See my point now? I can't possibly wear those plasticy material jackets with their awful color and bulkiness. We would be laughed at. I can just imagine it now. Them jap gurls with their huge curly hair and mini skirts and killer boots even though its in the dead of the winter laughing the piss at us, throwing stones and going " Omaera wa singaporu jin desuka? Hontou ni kimochi waruii desu neh!"

The shame of it. I can't let it happen.

and I don't really have much money left.

oh damn damn damn.

2006- A Summary

2006-12-16T13:30:00.000+08:00

So yesterday was the last paper. and i had been right- The paper had been a right pain in the ass. I refuse to believe anyone would have known that 3 part question abt cash flow. It wasnt even in the notes. Damn CSS and her promise to put up the summary notes.

but i sld do alright though. Better than feature writing at any rate, considering I took less than 2 days glancing through the notes as opposed to the late night mugging hysteria of feature writing and still managed to misread a question.

ah fuck.
***

I cannot believe that 2006 is coming to an end.

just as well really. this year have been terrible. spending the first 4 months trapped in result waiting hysteria and over-demanding boss at work nightmare and the next 8 months of it trapped in a limbo of mortifying unforseened insecurities, desperate attempts at piecing back friendships that are withering to the ground with time and general culture shock.

It was all abit too much. even by my standards.

So there i was brooding as usual in my regular mid day moodism thinking about generally depressing stuff and fascinating over the various suicide attempts ( plane dropping in my room, earthquake shattering my house, being sent to the army early etc etc.) that could whisk me away to high heaven when I realised that it would be so much easier if I just don't overthink stuff and let nature take its course.

I mean you can't blame me. Its not my fault I was born organized, thanks to the perfectionist gene inherited from my grandmom and her clan of croonies-my mom and her sisters. I rather prepare myself for the worse case scenario then be caught on the hop. In fact,I rather die then be caught on the hop actually, frankly speaking.

Thereby I go through the whole cycle of expecting things in their worse and accepting them no matter how vile things might be, even before said thing has even happened.

And because of that, Things usually go exactly the way as i have predicted it to be-in its worse case scenario. Because I believe that it would happen that way.

Talk about the power of faith.

But in the same context, everything could also happen in the same way that I don't believe them to happen.

It all runs down to whether I believe in it or not.

I suppose I have to be completely honest here that I'm scared of taking risks.

At the danger of going all morning day time drama on you, I hate hoping in vain of things that I'm not certain of, because sometimes the disappointment and hurt that hurtles back at me when things takes a turn for the wrong way is sometimes more than i can bear and im not sure how much I can take.

and im sorry. You must think I must be absolutely up my arse. Going round and round in circles about vague stuff that you would probably be trying to make sense of and me not telling you whatever it is because its private and nobody should noe.

Well, whatever it is. My resolution for the new year would be to take things at a slower pace and try not to be the terrible pessimist that I am and let things run its course.

...

Jeezus. I sound like a bloody hippy. this is so not a good thing.

damn.

WARNING: High Rant Content.

2006-12-13T20:10:00.000+08:00

You have been warned.

***

Don't talk to me about feeling like you have been bull-dozed honey.

I have spent the whole day studying. Like mugging. And I have only finished management principles. lesson learnt? never underestimate the power of not reading the entire module and expect to breeze through the whole of it in 2 days.

I'm so screwed.

ah well.

And bloody hell I misread an 8 mark question for feature writing on Monday. I wouldnt have been so pissed off if I hadnt known the answer to the correct question but the point is, I KNEW!!!! OMFG I K.N.E.W.

There goes my A.

Boo hoo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!! T_T

...

oh wow. it feels so unbelievably uplifting to rant like an airhead after so long. Not like it would change my grades though.

*sulks*

The Culprits.

2006-12-12T21:35:00.000+08:00

The respective ~~unbelievably cute~~ ungrateful fat fuckers who bit me.

O-reo

Sesame

Toffee

yes. you didnt imagine toffee winking lavisciously at you, the cam whore. tsk.

The quiet before the storm.

2006-12-08T21:57:00.000+08:00

So people all around are going bazook with the amount of work that there had been hauled at and more then a just a few of them are approaching dangerous burn out zones.

Not me though. This semester has been like one long holiday in greece with magaritas on tap.

which is of course, not a good thing.

But I suppose it aint really a bad thing either. Many are the times in periods of stress during examinations and everlooming project deadlines that I don't perform as well as I logically should, with the hours I put in and the amount of hair that falls out of my scalp.

And i ain't doing that bad actually. Not a single C in sight with a couple of Bs under my belt and a shining A crookedly pinned on my shoulder pad. So far,so good.

However, I bet my run of good luck is about to run its way into the ground though. No way will fate allow me to shine for major examinations and tests that will actually put an impact on my grades. Time has taught me that only too well.

Needless to say, I have not studied. At all.

No intention to start tonight, as it is. I shall start tmr.

Ah procastination, thy name is samuel.

Zapping the grey clouds away.

2006-12-06T17:05:00.001+08:00

i have always believed that life is just too short for sadness and misery to take up space in it.

but it doesnt really work that way i suppose. whoever that came up with that line must had been pollyana herself or some pisshead who had been hitting the sauce one pint too much.

not that i would know anyth about "pints" "sauces" or "pissheads", of course. *blink innocently*

Im am a Teenager, therefore I am Angsty. But mercifully, I am a Guy Teenager, so unlike the female version of it, we don't verbalize the thoughts in our heads. Jaded feelings, Suicidal thoughts and complexed suicide plans involving a single blood stained note and black roses are all very well, but they stay right where they are- in the head. None receieve the special behind the stage passes and be granted the entrance of our tongues.

But girls are different. On a good day, 10 page rants on their blogs revolving around the contents of backstabbers assorted, 3 timing bastard boyfrens that they cant get over and various thank yous and goodbyes to people they know before their suicide attempts are all the norm. Thoughts spill over freely and it becomes almost conversational, like as if they were commenting about the weather of the day.No shame at all, i say.

However, the angst scale shoots off the charts when their PMSes come abitching. Everything becomes the power of 10.

This is usually cue for men to take cover and hide.

I havent been feeling too hot today actually. You wouldnt when you realize with horror that you no longer care about homework and tests when you would have freted over them like an obsessive mom over their child in a previous lifetime.

though its for good reason when the lecturer is fat, balding and a lecher to boot who gets young nubile girls who are his students to come up to the front of a lecture to read unneccesary quotes from some up-his-arse that is totally unrelated to anything that he had been teaching about just to have a good look at said girl's bum/tit etc etc.

sadness and loneliness is as sadness and loneliness are. I try not to acknowledge it, turning a blind eye and eating an industrial sized box of smarties and watching Reese Whitherspoon movies to take everything away. It works sometimes, and sometimes it doesnt. But the more important thing is to move on from it. isnt it?

....

but sometimes it really doesnt work that way either. life is confusing that way. and sometimes I become so overwhelmed by it I want to leave everything behind.

If only we can do that.

A Short Post

2006-12-05T21:29:00.000+08:00

-Clifford Yap is the world's most unbearable fucker in every context of the word.
-I havent studied my photog quiz yet.
-Im doomed.
-I want to date. I have been single for too long.
-I want to shop.
-my fringe is severe.

ah fuck it. My life is currently in shite disarray. Save me. Please.

Know-it alls.

2006-12-03T13:56:00.000+08:00

At some parts of our lives we are bound to have met some of them. You know who i am talking about. Them little fuckers with their "opinionated minds" and "What I see is what I say" persona that could put a plight upon your day and tear shards from you heart.

It doesnt matter that they use the catch-all phrase " But Im just being honest!" to ~~save their asses~~ "cushion" the impact. The damage has alrd been done and you would be the one running a hot bath and looking for your cut throat razor in your dresser.

Personally, I don't actually mind harsh comments from people whom I think are more intelligent, more mature and with better taste then me. After all, aint I the one knocking on their door demanding them to tear shards off my heart? mind you though. It isnt all the time that the comments are horrible. The gods might be smiling on you and you could just luck out on a compliment. But how many times does that really happen?.

What I think that is really criminal and heinious are people who are more inferior then you in every single aspect that is humanly possible that dish out unwanted comments that are not even initiated. People that tell you your photographs suck and look terribly unfocused and would end up with a D if Cliffy Yap even actually give his time of the day at it and take a glance. People who have no knowledge whatsoever of photography and with a GPA of 1.75 even though he is in design school. People you don't even know of.

A troll would have done much better.

I would have happily douse the mother fucker right now with kerosene and set him on fire if I am not such a law obliging citizen , so pissed off I am.

i cannot tell you how fuckingly unbelievable that person is. You have to hand it to him though. he's got skin thicker then the hide an elephant. Bullets couldnt possibly graze him. they'd just bounce right off it.

As nana said, I would sules him if I had a thick enough stick to ram his iron rim.

Therefore, I am pleased to announce that my photographs this time round are gorgeous even though there had been a last minute hitch that got my knickers twisted in more ways than one.

so~

Die you mother fucking chee bye. ^-^

Talk about ungratefulness....

2006-12-02T13:12:00.000+08:00

I am breaking out in fucking hives now. Just because of a good deed that I made.

I am talking about my ungrateful hamsters.

Stupid, lazy fat hairy fuckers they are, sleeping and eating all day long with me cleaning up their crap week after week with not a single word of complaint and today while i was cleaning out their cages out the goodness of my heart, the fat fuckers bit me.

And they didnt just bit me. They bit me long and good and hard.

emphasis on long.and hard.

I had to literally fling the fat hairy fucker 6 feet into the air to pry it off my little finger, which is the size of an elephant's feet now.

Minutes after the bite, I started coughing, and choking and itching all over the place. My eyes watered, my face became a palette of a hundred different shades of red and it was all that i could to not scratching myself like a dog.

My face now look like a stupid modern art crap.

and this might be a little too much information, but lets just say the places on my body with follicles itch the most.

sorry.couldn't resist it.

How the fuck am i suppose to go to school on Monday?!

I swear, I'm never going to go near my hamsters again. FUCKERSSS!!!!!

The 8th Sin.

2006-11-30T21:47:00.000+08:00

Shallowness I think, is the one sin that God left out when he was making the first seven. I have no idea how he could have probably missed it. Gone out on the piss, I suspect. Whose to say that there is no pub in heaven? We humans as a result, chuckle gleefully, pouncing on the one loophole that he had missed out on the requirements of fast tracking it to heaven and indulged ourselves to such debauchery it has slowly over time sealed our eyes to such grinding narrowness we no longer see the different side that Beauty posesses having drawn down the curtains ourselves.

The relationship game between the 15th century and the 21st works very differently.The phrase " Inner beauty" once high up there a shimmering golden in the rose petaled court of Romance has been butchered to such an extent that it is considered a slur on the girl who had been becursed enough to be tagged by it, instead of being hauled down with compliments like " Big diddies", " Nice Hair" and " My girlfriend should look like her". Indeed, some even considered it a terrible slur to their reputation, because the subtext of being labled the owner of " Inner Beauty" is " She's got no diddies and her arse hits the floor when she stands."

Beauty today means shiny, glittery, glossy.

I can hardly speak for myself, what with my purple hair and being clad from top-to-toe in Revoltage. However i miss the days of being young and dumb when i didnt gave a flying fuck how my hair looked like and what clothes i wore because I had been more enchanted by the beauty of prose ,spending hours in a library at a time with my blue checkered mickey mouse jacket. i had cared more about dicussing books with my best friend, thinking about issues of the day, scorn at stupid people and dreaming dreams of nothing in particular, just feeling happy and blissful about life.

Needless to say I never went shopping. but that was then. Can't be said the same for now.

Sometimes I feel as if i am living my life with a pack of manequins- beautiful, glamourous and plastic on the outside, but as hollow as a husk inside. With the onslaught of persuing higher levels of illusive beauty, they are willing to forsake their personalities, their thoughts and their brains at the cost of transforming into a better version of how they look in the mirror.

What is the point of it all?

A day should come, when we take away all of our clothes, shave our hair and be devoid of make-up and see ourselves for who we truely are and who that are worthy to be friends. It is only than that Inner Beauty can be resurrected again from the pack of living walking airheads that have taken over the world today.

But until then, I will hold on to my gold chandelier shirt, thanks.

Confessions Part I

2006-11-29T20:42:00.000+08:00

I am supposed to be studying for my french test tmr but being the contary bastard i will probably leave it till last minute anyway studying myself blue in the face so here i am.

I have a list of confessions to make.

1) unlike most of my peers, i am comfortable meeting new people.Dont get me wrong though. I don't actually make an effort to try to make the person think im nice. because thats hardly the truth. I dont believe in making conversations either. So how does that make me different from the other people who hate making new frens?

i seat in comfortable silence with said new person while they dont. I always believed that chemistry betw 2 people is important for a relationship to progress and faking that you love the dixie chicks and can speak french, japanese and indian when you really cant is more then just a little pathetic. I rather seat in stoney silence and stare at my feet.

2)I love the company of myself a lil too much sometimes and i dont actually think its a good thing. i guess in the past during my Awkward Teenage Years i had been so lonely that i have, over time, learnt to get used to it. Close friends of mine tend to be appalled and shocked when they discover that i have the ability to seat at starbucks alone reading for hours at a time, watch movies in a large theatre alone and worse, shop alone in town.

Whats wrong with that exactly? I like doing stuff on my own without having to force myself to make dull senseless conversations or dragging them into shops that they are too frightened to enter. Unlike them, I have no need for the security to be in a large group of people to be able to do things that one would not have the guts to do when they are alone.

a second factor would be that you wouldnt have that many opportunities to go shopping either when u only dare to do it with many ppl around you. And i most certainly have no need for such boundaries because i literally become a mad fucking bitch when I dont buy someth new to wear once a month.

3) I am sorry to admit that I like cooking shows. My 2 favourite shows are by Jamie Oliver and Nigella Lawson. I am even sorrier to say I like cooking and i make a mean medium rare steak. The tedium and cliches of my New Man ability to cook. i rest my case.

4) I like reading. However, I hate books that uses ridiculously small fonts that gives me a headache to read and i usually dont finish them no matter how interesting the plot might be. To me, it seems so "act chim" and stupid to use such small fonts when the plot of the book is quite ridiculously shallow about 2 timing back stabbing office girls.literary classics of Charles Dickens and Ernest Hemingway earned the right to use small fonts with their depth of writing. Chick flicks just don't.

5) I am mostly shy when I meet strangers. Shut up stop laughing.

6)I value loyalty the most in people. You can be a right bitch but somehow when you still have your loyalty somewhere you can never be that nasty no matter how people may percieve you to be.

7) I only listen to japanese and korean songs. Just as well that you know that my lifelong ambition is to become a japanese citizen someday. Chinese songs to me are just soppy and more then a lil wet, and punk rock songs by Yellowcard and Panic! at the Disco just gives me a headache.

8) i have a closely guarded secret that sometimes affect my social life and makes me suicidal when I can't be the person i am and do the things I like freely. I am still coming to terms with it and hopefully it will be somewhere in the near future and not half a century later when I am on my deathbed with my life wasted.

I'm tired, so im going to continue this some other time.

The reason I don't watch Singapore Idol.

2006-11-26T10:05:00.000+08:00

Sops of TV.

2006-11-24T21:35:00.000+08:00

Oh its so sad. Charmed is officially over.

runs into room, throws cover overself and weeeeeep.

I really like american TV serials, and i don't just mean the short 24 episodes, on air for 3 months kind. I like long ones. Those that drag over for years and years and you still can't help by love watching it,seating down every friday night in a darkened room with your duvet around you immersing yourself into the screen of your TV for an hr when time stops in the room and the shutters are drawn shut from reality.

Its the familiarity I guess. watching the people in your screen grow up and change together with you at the same time. Reality could spin you into a veritable whirlwind and leave you mute in misery and yet things still stay constant in that box of yours every Monday and Friday night at 10pm and 8.30pm respectively.

You could be the person that time have evolved you to be in the day time- cynical, brass, hiding behind a mask etc etc. But when night time comes and Friends comes on, suddenly, you become that bespectacled kid in your pyjamas years back then, sneakily turning on the TV in a silent house to watch it when you sld have been asleep, just as you are watching it now. Nostalgia, comfort and familiarity of things are not like durians or sales that are available every season in reality. For me, only the serials that i have watched from young provides me that.

But then again, i might just be a sad sop who sldnt get so in touch with my feelings and get a grip on myself.

...........

Boo Hoo. =(

Sick

2006-11-21T20:22:00.000+08:00

I shouldnt have eaten that whole packet of pick & mix.

I knew I should'nt.

Not to mention guzzling a whole box of after dinner mints pre-dinner time.

Therefore waking up at 4am on Monday morning shivering beneath my duvet and a burning sensation up my throat, I quickly realized with heavy trepidation in my heart that the punishment for my day of chocolate eating debauchery had arrived.

Needless to say, dragging myself up to school with a temperature of 38.3 degrees was more than just lifeforce sapping itself. But tough bitch that i am, I brazened it out, reasoning to myself that if the Africans go ard with no nosh for 5 days in a row without turning into a pack of bones, then this was piss easy.

wrong executive decision, Im afraid.

By mid-afternoon I was shaking like a willow tree despite it being 34 degrees celsius under a blinding hot sun acting emo for portrait shots as demanded by the Cliffy the Perve. My head weighed about 3 tonnes and I cld barely think, nevermind talk.

Just as well I kept my mouth shut anyway. Loud noises made me want to puke, Bright lights sent rivets of nausea shooting up my throat and air conditioned rooms were pure hell.

In short, I had became delirious.

By 4pm, I was such a wreck, I barely manage to hobble to hail a taxi and it was a miracle itself I survived the ride home and even took a bath.

Somebody should have called the pope.

Monday in short ended for me at 5pm when i turned of the blinds and snuggled into my duvet for a 16 hour slumber.

I swear, I am never ever going to touch chocolates again for the rest of my life.

...

Well, till I get much better anyway *coughs*

A BEAUTIFUL REVOLUTION

This is Goodbye.

this is waaaay overdue.

adios! or whatever it is in spanish anyway.

waseda shibuya seiransai 2007

dance pt 2

a loooooooooong way to go.

*insert smiley here*

Warning: Toxic content ahead.

because a long breasted woman tagged.

don't think.

human after all.

ooops i did it again.

I Wish...

some things just can't be helped

Because its August

---

Update

Damn its finished T-T

How long can u emo anyway?

The end of yet another.

Ishi

Ishi

reticent

pause

Tomorrow

Growing up.

T-Time

This is REALLY good.

Breather

dying

Come Dance with me.

Catch My Breath.

Because it's worth a post by itself.

try try try,

-

Because Im worth it.

Love-- Myth or Fact

ME.

Wasted Time.

Spain

update

Doing myself in

Because its hard.

Hope.

Because Now= Greatness.

GV

jaded.

-

because we're hot

Job

blabber.

waiting

18

Hols

Angel

Slowly.

Jap Hwk.

Eating habits

Goddess.

another week--Done.

oh!

The diet didnt work.

aaaaah.

I Heart Japan

Contrary-ness

Brainless gorms

Self instinct

Dreams.

Beautiful.Plastic.Perfect.

Day 2

T'was January

Void.

10 things you didn't know about me

Best Friends.

Wishes.

The "Chim" stuff

Believe.

Neutrality.

私の世界 （１）

insert smiley here

私の世界　（１）